Like Real People Do

3. Everything is Awful

TW: Substance abuse (Alcoholism), abuse

What's that crashing sound? Follows us around? That's the sound of all things good breaking -The Decemberists 

Monday, April 12th

Shane's alarm clock blared at half past six. Not like it mattered, he'd been awake for hours anyway. Sleep was a luxury reserved for those who could afford it, and Shane was a poor man. A few beers or some whiskey were usually enough to put him out, but not enough to keep him out. More often than not, he awoke in the early hours of the morning when the world was still dark, covered in sweat and regret. Still, something was better than nothing at all, so he did his best to ignore the side effects whenever he self-medicated.

He stared at the ceiling, eyes burning, head throbbing, and let it ring for a few more seconds before rolling out of bed. It wasn't his fault that alcohol was the only thing that took the edge off, but the hangover was still his responsibility. He had to function today regardless of how heavily everything weighed on him. There was no point in hitting snooze when he was already up, but peeling himself from his sweat-drenched sheets was still a momentous task. He moved around his room like a zombie, putting on his work uniform and searching his messy floor for clean enough socks and undergarments. It was easy to let chores get away from him when even the smallest of tasks felt like a mountain to climb. Shane was always tired. Exhausted. Drained. There were only so many days of feeling like he was walking on the bottom of the ocean that one man could handle.

He dragged himself out into the kitchen and was met with his aunt Marnie prepping his daughter, Jas, for school. Seeing someone else do things that he should have been able to do filled Shane with an awful feeling of guilt. There was no reason for him not to get out of bed and make her lunch or make sure her bag was packed other than his own irresponsible decisions. Did he really need to pound six beers at midnight sitting on the old dock by his house? No, probably not, but that was the only time he ever got an ounce of peace. The valley had an eerie kind of silence at those ungodly hours of the night. The kind of silence that was filled with the sounds of crickets and tree frogs fading into the background until it was all the same low hum. It was a slice of another world that he could inhabit until the morning brought his alarm clock blaring in his ears and a hangover aching in his bones.

"Good morning Daddy!" Jas's high-pitched squeal did no favors for his ever-growing migraine, but he forced a smile anyway. He owed her that much at least.

"Good morning, kid." He ruffled her hair and poured himself a cup of coffee. The pungent smell of it made his stomach churn, threatening to be a bad mix with the six pack of beers from the night before. Without giving it a second thought, he drank the coffee anyway and winced at the burnt aftertaste. If nothing more, it would help to ease the throbbing pain in his head and the heaviness from his eyelids. Otherwise, an eight-hour shift stocking shelves wouldn't be in the cards for him.

Letting his mind wander away from him, Shane wondered if he might have enjoyed sharing a cup with that girl on Sunday morning. He couldn't remember if she shared her name or not, but pictures of her face filled his head anyway. Between his embarrassment and fixation on her front door, Shane didn't get a great look, but she reminded him of someone that he couldn't quite place. Maybe it was deja vu, or maybe there were just too many strangers for him to keep track anymore.

Shane took another sip of coffee and shoved the thoughts of her from his head as quickly as he summoned them. Fantasies like that were dangerous for someone like him. Shane preferred to keep people as far away as he could for fear of what might be on the other side. He didn't need friends here, he just needed to get through the day. What good would sharing a cup of coffee with a stranger do? It was just an empty promise and false hope for something he abandoned a long time ago. For now, he went through life with the assurance that he would never fuck anything else up as long as he never tried.