Fragile

Chapter 28

The more I thought about Noah, the more I felt myself spiral in my own insecurities. I was distant, and seemingly always on the verge of tears. I couldn't seem to control my own sadness, so it naturally didn't take long for Kiera to notice. 

"Fay, are you doing okay? You've been a bit distant since the operation." 

I continued to give her a fake smile each time she asked. "I'm okay, just thinking about finals," I lied. 

After a few weeks, she stopped asking, only gave me concerned looks when I came back to the dorm late or skipped eating in the cafeteria. I couldn't explain what I was doing or why; I just felt so defeated and useless. I walked the forest until dark, lost in my own thoughts. I avoided Noah because I didn't know whether I could control my emotions around him. I just felt swallowed by a wave of sadness, afraid for someone to notice the tears I was constantly holding back. 

I was casually kicking a pebble along the sidewalk when a voice made me jump. "Fay!" 

I looked up to see Seth jogging over with a smile. "H-hi." 

He slowed to a stop in front of me, hands in pockets. "Hey, I haven't seen you since the social," he said. "You doing okay?" 

I didn't know why, but I couldn't seem to muster up the lies and fake smiles. I just stared and couldn't seem to answer. His gaze softened, and before I even realized, I was crying. Full on sobbing. Seth pulled me into his embrace and my face buried in his shirt, no questions asked. In the back of my mind, I tried to remind myself of who he was. He was a monster; he was responsible for enslaving hundreds of women. I couldn't allow him to comfort me like this; we weren't actually supposed to be friends. Why was he so kind to me, anyway? Why couldn't I seem to see him as the monster he was? 

Maybe the other girls couldn't see the monster either. Maybe that was why he was so good at being the monster he was. No one ever saw it coming. 

When my sobbing slowed to sniffles, I pulled away, avoiding eye contact. "Sorry," I mumbled awkwardly, shuffling my feet that had gone numb from the awkward angle. 

Before I could pull away, his thumb gently brushed a tear from my cheek and he stroked my hair gently. "Wanna talk about it?" his eyes were so warm, so gentle. Could he really act that well? 

Seth sat down next to me on a park bench, waiting patiently for me to speak first. He seemed so normal, so kind. He never pushed for anything, always waited patiently. It was times like this I contemplated whether he was truly the monster, or if it was someone else framing him. Surely if he was a monster, someone would have picked up on it by now. He couldn't be that flawless. But there wasn't a single crack in his armor in sight. 

"I just can't seem to do anything right," I admitted, part of me wondering why I was even confiding in him. Why was he so easy to trust?

"Is this about Noah?" he asked softly. 

I was surprised he mentioned Noah by name. I never explicitly said I had relations with Noah, nor did Seth ever ask about him directly. "I just wonder if I know anything about him at all," the words tumbled out before I could stop them. I wonder if I will ever be enough. 

"Everyone has secrets, Fay," he said. "Yanno, in Japanese culture they say you have three faces. The one you show the world, the one you show your friends and family, and the one you show no one." 

I gave him a confused look. "huh?" 

He chuckled at my confused expression. "I'm a lit major, we read a lot of proverbs. I'm smarter than I look you know." 

I felt a small smile form. "Right," I said. "Still not sure what you mean, though." 

He leaned back, stretching his legs out. "I'm saying everyone has a side of themselves that they don't show anyone. No matter how close you get to someone, it's inevitable there will still be things you don't know about them. Maybe instead of wondering what you don't know, you could acknowledge the things you do know. If you grow to learn 2 out of 3 faces from a person, I'd say you know everything there is to know."