I Told The Stars About You

I Do Not Hate You

-Andrew-

It hurts. The feeling of being away from someone you cared about so much feels like the world could end at any minute. It hurts, my heart feels like it breaks at just the slightest bit of movement I do. I can't stop thinking about Dalton yet maybe I shouldn't stop thinking about him.

Right now I'm watching a movie with my mother, a comedy movie since she suggested it. I suggested a romance movie, but she said that I would end up bawling my eyes out at the happiness of the couple. Fuck happiness. Fuck myself, fuck Dalton, fuck Naomi. Fuck people. I don't like people. I don't even like myself.

After that call, we still didn't talk. But this time I tried, and he avoided me. When I walked up to him at campus he would brush me off slightly, not even looking at me while he did so.

Now I'm starting to suspect he doesn't mean or want to fix anything at all. And it scares me, have I fucked it all up just from one little thing? Are we never going to cross paths again? Should I forget about him and our relationship? Let it all sink in the past and never come across it again?

It's not as a tempting offer now than it was before. Could the stars cross paths and form a manifestation in my favor? Could Dalton stop hating me?

Perhaps I should dig myself in a hole and never come out, would it count as suicide? Will it kill me?

"Andrew, could you pass me the chips?" I heard my mother say, she was sitting on the other side of the couch, her legs towards me, my legs towards her.

My bubble of thought pops, I nod, "yeah," and I give her the chips. Yellow bland, salt chips. I prefer hot chips but this is fine too.

"You seem very deep in your mind. Is everything okay?" she says. She looks at me like I'm a criminal hiding drugs in my asshole. Her brow lifted slightly, her eyes curious.

Everything is not okay, at least that's what I can say from my stupid closed perception. How can I know that things are okay between me and Dalton if we haven't talked about it? Maybe I can be selfish and say that things are not okay. Is that selfish?

"I don't know." I answer. Naomi has told me that I've been looking depressed recently, she isn't a psychology genius so I wouldn't trust her. But I do think that maybe I am a little depressed.

"Do you want to talk about it? You've seen kind of down lately."

Does my mother also suspect I am depressed? Shit, maybe I am.

"I don't." I answer. I don't want to talk to her about it, I feel embarrassed if I did. I could talk to the stars about it.

"If you want to talk I'm here."

I stay in silence, and turn my head to the TV screen, and so does she.

Is it of any use when I go to the field at night and talk to the stars? Do they actually hear my rants? Can they actually understand what I'm saying and going through?

Sometimes I wonder how it feels to be a star, how do you feel about only appearing at night? How do they feel about having to listen to my dumb shit because I have no where else to dump my shit to. Do they wish they had legs so they could stand up and leave? Dalton is tired of my shit, that's a fact made by my perception of things. My selfish perception.

Are the stars also tired of my shit? I really wish they weren't. I hope that every time I appear down on the soft grass they feel excited to see me. I wonder if anyone ever feels happy to see me.

My head turns on it's own, making me look at my mother. She is focused in the movie. I take the striped blanket off my lap and stand up, she follows my actions with her stare, "what happened?" she asked me.