Alone

•20•

Spencer

    When I opened my eyes, the first thing I noticed was Lilah. Curled up on the floor with her head laying on the mattress and her hair falling in front of her face. It's the most peaceful I've seen her. When awake she always seemed to be on edge, never seeming to fully trust even herself. Though over time I've realized, despite everything, I'm the person here she seems to trust the most. Hell she would've gone after me alone had the others not gone with her. I couldn't understand why. After all I was the reason she was here. Maybe not initially but I made that deal with her so her brother could go home. Maybe it was because if I was gone permanently, there wouldn't really be anyone to keep the crew from trying to take advantage of her. While they're my crew, they'd try to get their hands on her faster than she could blink. Someone had tried to do the same with Emily once, they walked away with one eye. No one ever tried to have a go at her again. Except, in a way, Will. Though he never once tried to touch her unless she was okay with it. Eventually those two fell for each other. After about a year they decided to leave the ship so they wouldn't have to risk losing each other. While it did hurt to see them go, I was glad they were happy. And I still had Ella. Before Em ended up on the ship, and until they left, Will had been my co-captain. I'd basically grown up with him and before we found Ella he was the only person I trusted enough to let myself be vulnerable around. Now I trusted four people. You'd think there would be more but out on the sea, you learn to trust few, or you'll be stabbed in the back. Emily, Will, Ella and Lilah. I looked down at her, finding that our fingers were interlocked. I hated how much I enjoyed it. Hated it because I knew she could never love me. That was what hurt as one feeling sunk in. I loved her. I loved Lilah. Not like how I loved Ella and Emily and Will. Panic followed a moment later. How could I keep her here if I loved her? How could I be cruel enough to keep her away from her family?

    "Oh Lilah. What am I going to do." A sigh passed through my lips as she stirred, her fingers tightening on mine slightly.

    I just closed my eyes, feeling her fingers brush through my hair a moment later. I let a soft purr escape me, just hoping she thought I was asleep.

    "I'll get something for you to eat when you wake up." Her voice drifted to my ears, as did the sounds of her standing. Her fingers were pulled out of my grip as her footsteps seemed to be heading toward the door. I held back a sigh, wishing she hadn't moved.

    I needed to let her go. She wouldn't love me back, no matter how badly I wanted her to. After hearing the door opening and closing I opened my eyes, not bothering to hide my sigh. It wasn't fair to her to try and keep her held down. From the outside maybe it looked like she did love me, but she couldn't. The only times it seemed like she cared- that was when one of the two of us were injured or in danger. And it killed me to know that.