Alone

•23•

Spencer

I stood on the main deck of my ship silently, having forgone my jacket and hat. Most of the crew was still asleep, save for the men that worked over the night.

The click of heels behind me is what alerted me to her presence. Ella or Emily. They both dressed similarly, so sometimes it was hard to tell the difference.

"You don't want to let her go." Emily. The red head sat on the railing, looking at me.

"I have to Em. She'll be safer when she's home. Happier." I looked out at the horizon, gripping the wood slightly. 

"I know Spencer, but I also know that this will hurt you. I'm here for you okay Spencer? I always will be."

"I know you will Em." I glanced over at the sound of another person, finding Will wrapping his arms around the redheads torso.

"Mm you're not usually up this early Love." He mumbled, his nose buried in her neck.

"Go back to bed you overgrown puppy." She chuckled, ruffling his hair. "You were up late last night."

I snorted slightly. "Go to bed you two. I don't want to listen to Will grumble about wanting cuddles."

"You sure?" Em asked softly, her fingers in Will's hair a little, the man in question leaning down into her touch.

"I'm sure, I'll be alright Em. Go sleep you two." I didn't have to force the smile on my face, not entirely at least.

She nodded and gently led Will down to their shared cabin.

Nearly as soon as they were gone my smile fell and I leaned against the mast, resting my forehead against my hand. Lilah would be safer once she was off my ship. She'd be happier too. I kept telling myself that, repeating it mentally over and over again. And yet it didn't make the decision any easier.

It felt as though my very soul ached when I finally saw the port town of Drewblack on the horizon, knowing we'd be there soon. 

She'd be with her family.

She'd be free..

Free..

She was trapped here. A prisoner in almost every meaning of the word.

And I'd put her in that situation.

I was the monster that had locked her up. That's all I was. A monster. For what I'd done to her.

Yes I'd saved her life since bringing her here but..

It didn't change what I'd done.

And that shattering thought went through my heart again. I loved her. I loved her so much it hurt.

And I knew that nothing would fill the void left in my heart once she was gone.

Part of it may be that I wanted love. Love like Emily and Will have. Love like I remember my parents having before I'd been taken from them.

But I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to be loved. Rather I deserve the opposite. I deserve the hate I used to see Lilah's eyes when she'd look at me. I deserve to be alone. Now and always, that is what I'll deserve.