I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE FUNNY | ✓

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I WAS JUST TRYIN' TO BE FUNNY

             A skeleton is all that keeps Ziri Meziani from becoming a ghost.

Born to a prosaic town in East Sussex, Ziri is more than used to the company of his thoughts and daydreams, a habit nobody took issue with until 2006. Crediting it to him merely being reserved, they'd shrug and leave him to wander the uncharted terrain of his mind undisturbed.

Two years later in 2008, however, everyone from his parents to his psychologist has become adamant he learn to be a normal teenager. 'It's not healthy to be alone all the time', 'you need a support system to recover', 'make some friends', etcetera.

You'd think his life depended on it.

The truth is, Ziri's no good at making friends. He's 'too much' ―a title scalpeled to the back of his neck along with 'queer' and 'leech'― and he's got no clue on how to strip himself into something palatable for the general public. Besides, he won't focus on 'recovery' until he manages to pay his parents for his idiocy; a goal that clashes directly with his fear when his only remaining opportunity to make money is to tutor two of his classmates. It'll be fine, he thinks. Maths is hardly a segway to sharing childhood stories and past regrets.

But Miles Hoàng has no interest in Ziri's plan of strict professionalism. Before he can realise what he's doing, Ziri invites him right through the fissures into his psyché, and with no warning, Miles picks up all his bones.

IF THERE'S ANY KIND OF MAGIC IN THIS WORLD, IT MUST BE IN THE ATTEMPT OF UNDERSTANDING SOMEONE, SHARING SOMETHING

richard linklater, before sunrise

THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD CAN HAPPEN, BUT THE NEXT DAY THE SUN WILL COME UP. AND YOU WILL EAT YOUR TOAST. AND YOU WILL DRINK YOUR TEA

rhian ellis, after life

SOUNDTRACK
[spotify link in bio]

             DISC 1: the miles mix

01. short of breath fake laugh — 02. wait a minute! willow — 03. sweet tooth cavetown — 04. thinkin bout you frank ocean — 05. summer brockhampton — 06. the predatory wasp of the palisades is out to get us! sufjan stevens — 07. second guessing arlo parks — 08. I couldn't be more in love the 1975 — 09. carry me home jorja smith — 10. everywhere fleetwood mac

             DISC 2: the breakdown mix

11. breaking down florance + the machine — 12. elizabeth on the bathroom floor eels — 13. go home julien baker — 14. no surprises radiohead — 15. post hoc ergo propter hoc (for schopenhauer) milo — 16. these days nico — 17. I lost something in the hills sibylle baier — 18. I'd be that by now alisha — 19. me paula cole — 20. hurt arlo parks

CONTENT WARNINGS: suicide, suicidal ideation, self-harm, mentions of hospitalization, medication and associated side effects, PTSD episodes and panic attacks, mentions of mania, mentions of depression, as well as occasions of bullying and harassment, racism, queerphobia, islamophobia, ableism, slurs, and allusions to predation and sexual assault.

This story is rated mature on account of the above-mentioned. It does not include any sexual content or smut. 

If any of your comments contain something potentially triggering, please add a specific warning to the top to give me and fellow readers a heads-up. /srs

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my first novel so I hope it turned out alright. The vibe:

If you have any thoughts, positive or negative, do let me know. Feedback will be a huge help when I start my next project! And if you see typos, please do point them out so I can fix them, unless they're in dialogue and chances are, that's just how the character speaks. This story includes experiences and identities outside my own so if something is inaccurate or offensive, you can let me know and I'll edit.

Thank you for reading <3

This book is on StoryGraph if you want to track your reading or leave a review.

EDIT: There is now also a spin-off sequel published :)

EDIT: This book just won the Top Pick for Teen Fiction in the Ambys!

Written April–August 2021
Published 22 August 2021

Edited July 2023

91,815 words

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