Everyone Has Secrets

Chapter 34

"You think I'm not grieving? You think I'm okay?" he shook his head before looking up at her again, and she could clearly see the anger in his gaze.

"This is what you call grieving? Going straight back to work and pretending like nothing happened? Getting upset that I won't touch you? Great, Brian, just brilliant, you're doing a great job there," she scoffed again, turning away from him.

"I'm sorry that I haven't completely closed myself off and let myself go to waste like you seem to be doing, I'm sorry that I still fucking love you and want you to be okay!" Brian suddenly exploded, and she felt like a dagger was being shoved through her chest.

"And who let me fall into that? You work and you leave me alone for hours, and hours. I grieve on my own, and I don't know why I expect anything else from you when you didn't even come when we needed you! We needed you and you weren't there, Brian. It took my mother calling you for you to get your act into gear, and then you only showed up when we were about to withdraw care!" it all came out as a ramble, and she was starting to lose sight of the point she had even been trying to make. God, she was tired, and she just wanted to go to bed.

"It always comes back to that doesn't it? I couldn't just drop everything and fly out to New York like you could!" he bit back.

"Nice to know that being hospitalised and losing our son isn't enough of a priority for you," she choked back a sob, leaning back against the wall and sinking to the floor, "I should've fucking known."

"I told you so many times, Meredith, I'm sorry that I wasn't there but I can't change that now," he said, a bitter edge to his tone.

"I want to leave," she muttered, looking up to glare at him.

****

"You could've seen him and spent more time with him, you could've held him," she murmured as she picked at her sleeve, not looking at him, "I didn't stop you from doing shit, so don't put that on me."

"I hardly had any time with him," she flinched slightly when he flung his arm into the air in frustration, "and you completely shut down on me!"

"I shut down on you? You're angry because I shut down on you?" she looked straight at him now, all the rage she had subdued when he'd finally shown up in New York boiling up to the surface.

"I took you in, Meredith. I did everything for you, and you left!" he threw back at her.

"You kept me around to make yourself feel better! You decided what was best for me, and you didn't let anyone help! The last thing I needed was being holed up in your apartment, thousands of miles from home, but you took advantage, and it took Cristina flying out and almost kicking your door down for me to be able to leave!" she got to her feet again now, turning and walking out of the room.

She just needed to breathe for two seconds, get herself together. She knew he was following her into the kitchen, and she just wished he wouldn't. If anything, she just wanted him to leave.

"Now you're making it sound like I was keeping you hostage, I guess you really do listen to what Cristina says," he laughed bitterly, standing in the doorway to the kitchen when she turned to face him again.

"I felt guilty enough without walking out on you as well," she said, wiping at her eyes as she leant back against the sink.

"But it was fine as soon as Cristina came along?" he accused.

"She made me realise I was getting worse! She made me realise that I needed out, that we weren't working anymore. We weren't the same, and you expected more of me than I could give you," she shook her head, "You still expect more from me than I can give."