𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐤𝐢𝐝

NINETEEN

(play after the warning, repeat till this section is over or you can put it for the whole chapter^)
cassandra
friday 12/11/2020 part 2

*warning; this chapter is going to contain some mental abuse and a few suicidal thoughts. if you are sensitive to these topics, skip them. thank you.*

I sit on my kitchen countertop, drink some water, looking down disappointed. I disappointed everyone, wasted my 2 years, everyone got mad at me, and I know he is disappointed in me. Even though he didn't say my real name 'Cassandra', I know he is mad at me.

God, why do you still have to disappoint everyone around you Casey? If you just didn't fall into the trap you wouldn't be in the position. You never wanted to be in a position but look at yourself, in that fucking position, you could have overdosed again! God your so fucking stupid Casey. You should have overdosed that day Cassandra. If you did Alejandro wouldn't be mad at you, you wouldn't have to break Mattia's heart because he felt insecure about your best friend. People wouldn't have to give you that pity looks in their eyes when they found out you overdosed. Your friend group could live their teenage years like they always wanted to without worrying about you, overdosing on the drugs. Why couldn't you be normal Cassandra? You also broke two promises. One from Eleanor and Alejandro. The two people you most care about.

God, why couldn't it be me? I keep praying, and praying, and praying for you to take my life away so I wouldn't again but why won't you listen?! The only time I feel like I need you, God, your not here with me. Eleanor, why did Eleanor have to leave so early from me? God you took the best thing away from me and turned me into somebody I wished I will never become because before I overdosed and did drugs, I thought taking or doing drugs was stupid and why would someone almost give up on their life but I finally understand why. I finally understand why people wanted to swallow and inhale their life away, little by little. Why did it have to me? Why couldn't it be someone else? I just want my ray of sunlight back.

Eleanor and I were supposed to be getting matching tattoos when I got older. I wanted a red koi fish and she wanted a black one on the side of our— well my stomach. My aunt already had tattoos on both sides so she said she would get it on her arm. I wanted to save my arm for more future ideas, that's why I said the side on my stomach. We said koi fishes because they mostly stay together and one is opposite to the other. She liked to dress a bit differently than I did but she always knew what to get me when it was either Christmas or birthdays. Eleanor and I were hip by hip ever since I was born. Whenever you see us somewhere, we were together. Always.

"Casey—" Alejandro says softly. Just say Cassandra, Alejandro.

"—Alejandro, stop using my name as a lie. Just say, Cassandra. I—" I take a deep breath before I start crying again. "—I know y-your m-m-mad at me, Alejandro. I mean who isn't?" I chuckled. "I mean-n the only thing I'm soooo fucking good at is to disappoint everyone around me. There's a kicker, guess how I disappoint them. The worst thing, drugs-s!" I chuckle again, letting my tears freely run down my cheeks. I look up at Alejandro. I see tears are welling up in his eyes. Another thing I'm good at I guess."I mean, I know m-y mom would r-rather let me get pregnant than to be like--like--like this, to be honest!" I put the water down. "Rehab did nothing to me, kinda did, most didn't. I was clean for 2 years because of Eleanor. Eleanor was my motivation but also she makes me do poor decisions, but it's harder in December because she died on December 20, 2017!" I pause a little. "I can't express how much I miss her. I did things because of her. I wouldn't blame her, never would, but I would blame the guy upstairs, for taking my Eleanor away-y from m-me." I cry out.