Mended Hearts [Bakudeku]

Chapter 40

Izuku's POV

It was already morning and I woke up due to Kacchan slamming the door while going to work. Yesterday, he insisted that I slept with him in his room.
 
But I was stubborn about not doing that. After some time he stopped asking and went back to bed. He did give me a good night kiss.

I am sure that he was upset that I didn't kiss back. I couldn't. Not after what happened. I still need to collect my thoughts and stable myself.

I need to be with myself to organize my thoughts and feelings. It always helps me.

It was early, like really early. So I decided not to go and wake up the poor baby. Last night was still fresh in my mind. I don't even know how I feel.

It's been more than a year since he died. I was finally moving on. But then that stupid bastard had to come and jumble up my thoughts.

I know people say not to think about the past and move on. But I can't. I loved him, I still love him. The thought of my boyfriend getting raped was eating me up.

I didn't want to think about it. I tried to distract myself by thinking about Kacchan, mom, and Ikio. But all that was stuck in my head was him.

I feel awful. I didn't have a single clue about what was happening. I didn't even try thinking from his point of view. I was just thinking selfishly.

Hell, I even tried to make love to him. Now that I think about it. How much it would've hurt him. This is seriously getting to me. I don't know what to do.

What should I do? I can't accept Kacchan and just continue my relationship like I didn't ruin the one I had previously.

I should break up with Kacchan.

I want this awful sting in my heart to stop. I don't know what to do about that. How am I supposed to stop the guilt and sorrow that are slowly eating me up?

Now that I think about it, am I a really bad example for Ikio? I don't want him to grow up like me, a freak.

I wanted to be a father. A perfect father, like how Toshinori was to me.

Guess that can't happen. I am a really bad person. I don't deserve love. I don't deserve Ikio. I don't deserve Kacchan. I don't deserve to live!

My thoughts slowly started going back to my high school days. How beautiful they were. Everyone was jealous of our relationship.

I loved him since the start. And I hope he loves me too.

What would have happened, if I had found out earlier about Dabi?

What would have happened if I had stopped him from crossing the road?

What would have happened if I was a good boyfriend and understood my partner's feelings?

Everything would have been different.

We would have been married by now. Maybe even adopted a few kids. We would have had a sweet home. Everyone would have been happy.

But if that happened, I wouldn't have met Kacchan. I wouldn't have known Ikio. I wouldn't have known someone as beautiful as them.

Then, Kacchan might have still been hating Ikio. Ikio would have grown up in the presence of a babysitter instead of his father.

Kacchan would have still blamed himself for what had happened. He might have even taken great measures. He could have hurt himself.

Ikio would have been a depressed kid growing up without a mother and a father. His babysitter could have been a careless person too.

He wouldn't have known what love was. Kacchan wouldn't have believed in love again. He might have let himself go. I didn't want that.

I love them too. Just as much as I hate myself. I would never ask for me to change my past if I had to leave Ikio and Kacchan. I need them, they need me too.

Maybe everything that happened was for the good of all of us? Maybe this is what would have changed us.

We have had a lot of character changes as the days passed by.

Maybe it was fate? I guess me and Kacchan were fated. I think that's what would have happened. I think the reason I ended up being a babysitter was fate.

If so, I should thank it. Because of all that happened, I was able to meet Kacchan and fall in love. Make him accept his son.

Because of what happened, I was able to meet Ikio.

That sweet kid is like a son to me. I think everything was because I needed to meet this broken family and fix them.

I think I feel a little better. Everything was for the good of all. I was able to meet Mina, Kirishima, Sero, and Kaminari because of what happened.

I think I should get out of my shell and talk about it to Kacchan. I would feel a lot better if I talk my heart out. I need Kacchan.

I love him too. I love Kacchan and Ikio. Everything that happened had happened. It's over. I should get passed it. I can't keep thinking about him.

I hope he is looking down on me from heaven. He is in a better place. I think I feel a lot better that he escaped that rapist even if it is not in the way I wanted him to.

I want to let go. I must let go. And I will. My boyfriend is now in my past. The good part of my past. The one I will always cherish. I finally accept it.

I am in love with Katsuki Bakugo.