Loving You is a Losing Game

chapter twenty-four

"Agent Reid, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to ask you to step back. We're being her into surgery now, you can wait outside until she's finished alongside the rest of your team but I suggest getting yourself checked out first", the doctor said again.
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Spencer POV:

I walked over to the bathroom in a daze- wondering how such a thing could happen, how there was a chance I could once again lose someone I loved so deeply. My face in the mirror before me, a distraught reflection of myself.

After taking a minute to collect myself, I walked back out to my team. Their eyes all focused on me with solemn expressions upon their faces.

JJ walked up to me and wrapped her arms around me before saying, "Spence I- How are you, really? Do you or the girls need anything?"

"I'm uh, I don't think I'm okay but I need to be right for the girls. I just- what am I going to tell them, how do I explain this to them- that they're mother is in the hospital on the brink of death and it's all my fault."

"Don't say that Spence, this is in no way your fault."

"Jennifer if I hadn't kept pushing him he could've let her go, maybe she wouldn't be the one in that hospital bed."

As soon as I said that I was brought back to what had happened not long ago.

"Thomas please, me for her", I said in a desperate last attempt.

"SHUT UP!", Thomas said bringing his finger closer and closer to the trigger.

I flinched, staring back up at a concerned JJ.

"I think we should both take a seat before I say this", she said.

She continued after we sat, "Would you have rather been in that hospital bed? I never thought I'd have to tell you this but be logical Spence, there's no way to know that he would've let her go."

"I want to know that, but my brain needs to blame someone and I can't blame Thomas now that he's dead and I feel at least some bit responsible."

"I get you Spencer, I do. Just know that I'm always here and so is the rest of the team okay."

"Thank you."

"Of course"

Seeing that JJ was no longer talking to me, Emily walked over.

"Spencer..", she said, "I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now."

"Thank you Emily, Im trying to feel better but you know how it is. They told me to wait out here and I just feel so powerless- if I could do anything I would."

"I know Spencer, I know. That's one of the things we all love about you but right now there's nothing you can do, we just have to wait for her surgery to finish and hope that all goes well."

"I know, you're right. Excuse me for a second."

I walked across the waiting room to Luke who was sitting alone and in a similar state to myself.

"Hey Luke. How are you?"

"Not too great but I know you're feeling the same, I mean I've known her since we were kids and then the two of you have kids together. Speaking of, are they still with Garcia and do you think you'll tell them?"