THE SILENCE OF OUR LOVE STORY

24

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JAI CHOSEN

Two more months passed, and it still seems like hindi pa rin ako maka move on. Every each day, laging nag so-sorry si ate Jia. Doesn't she ever get tired? 

She even gave me the last two letters that Zacc gave to me before his death three years ago, all taped up, as if it was ripped in to a lot of pieces. 

Zacc even gave me a ring inside a letter, pero late nga lang nabigay sa akin. And because of this, it just proves to me that ate Jia's not worth trusting for. She's not worth giving trust to. 

Turns out, I still have that attitude whenever 4PM strikes. Lagi akong nasa bintana, naghihintay. I don't think he's dead. Why would he be? 

Three of his best amigos, Alexis, Miles and Beige, keeps on visiting me sa tuwing hindi sila busy. They told me to move on and let him go already. But how can I? It's not that easy. The portraits of Zacchaeus, and me, are still here in my room. After three years, andito pa rin sila. Hindi tinapon. 

I don't know what to think anymore. My mind's so blank, while looking at the ring Zacc gave to me. "Binigay mo ba ito sa akin para. . . lagi kitang maalala? So I can suffer every each day? Bakit? Do you want me to suffer longing you? Ganon?" I laughed softly, and slapped my forehead.

"Why am I even putting hate on you, Zacc? Ganito na ba talaga ako ka-f*cked up?" I tilted my head and sniffled.

"K- kung. . Inalagaan ko kaya sarili ko? Naabutan ko pa kaya siya? Kung. . Hindi lang ako naging ganito, kung wala lang akong disorder, puwede bang maging kami? Naging kami ba?" O- oh. . nagulat nalang ako nang biglang may naramdaman akong may pumatak sa kamay ko.

"T- tears." I then wiped my face, and turns out I was really crying. "Ha. . . HAHA. . . .HAHAHAHA. . . Why would I be crying?" My chest feels so f*cking heavy. I feel so hurt.

After all this time, I still can't get over you. IT'S SO UNFAIR!

"UNFAIR!" I took all my portraits and threw it on to the floor, "F*CKING UNFAIR!! GAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!"

JIA BRAVE

"JAI!! JAI!" Bigla akong pumasok sa kwarto ni Jai nang narinig ko nanamang nagwa-wild siya. Lagi nalang kasing ganito e. She throws a fit whenever she's alone. And she loves to be alone, she gets angry whenever we force ourselves to stay by her side.

I tried to carry her away from the floor, where she's sitting whilst yelling, and throwing a huge fit.

"UNFAIR!! P*TANG*NA!! AAAAAAHHH!!!" She kept kicking my legs over and over.

Tears started to fall from my eyes, "Tama na! Tigilan mo na 'yan ha!"

"ANAK?? ANO NANAMAN 'YAN?" Bigla namang pumasok sina mom at dad.

"IT'S NOT FAIR!! I WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN! AAAHHH!! PLEASEE! I WANT TO SEE HIM ONE MORE TIME! IT HURTS! F*CKING HURTS!!" Sigaw niya paulit ulit habang hinihila niya naman buhok niya.

We can't help it but to just stand in front of her, watching her with our eyes filled with tears. I know. . I know, Jai. Alam ko. I was such an irresponsible ate. Alam ko 'yon. And I'm sorry for everything. Kung hindi nalang sana ako nabuhay dito sa mundo, hindi sana 'yon mangyari, hindi ba? I'm really sorry for everything I've done to you.

These words. . inside my head, pushes me to tell it to Jai, and to my parents. . Pero pa'no? I don't want them to think I'm being manipulative using my own feelings.

Therefore. . . I have to suffer as well. 

I have to suffer emotionally. I have to deal every consequences.

"TANG*NA NIYO! TANG*NA MO, JIA! TANG*NA NIYO TALAGA!" Paulit ulit sigaw ni Jai habang patuloy pa ring umiiyak. SHe's now lying on to the floor. Sweaty, messed up, and. . . pained. 

I wiped all my tears away before speaking, "J- Jai. . Tama na. Wala na tayong magagawa." What am I even saying? I don't even know how to deal with my consequences.

Mom patted my shoulder, "Tama na. . Pabayaan mo na 'yan." She whispered.

I looked down and wiped all my tears again, "I'm so sorry."

Seeing her like this, mom. . Pains me too, you know. Ang sakit tignan ang sarili kong kapatid nagkaganito after her sleep. Akala ko, pagkagising niya, she'd forget everything. She'd forget Zacc, she'd forget everyone. Parang cellphone na na-reboot lang. Akala ko everything will be alright after her sleep. 

Pero hindi e. 

Baligtad ang nangyari.

Hindi lang siya ang nasasaktan dito, pati rin ako e.

Serves me right, hindi ba? But I never wanted all these to happen.

"It's all my fault." I uttered before leaving Jai's room.

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After Jai's fit, me, and mom spent the rest of our night outside the house. Drinking tea. 

"Mom. . " Bigla kong pag basag sa katahimikan.

Mom looked at me and placed her tea cup down after she took a sip, "Yeah?" Tanong niya naman.

I tilted my head a bit while holding my tea cup, ". . I'm. . So sorry." I looked at mom with tears on my eyes.

"Mom, I never meant any of these to happen. I never expected any of these to happen." I uttered with sincerity, "And I'm really sorry kung nagkakaganito pamilya natin, dahil sa akin." I placed my tea cup down so I could wipe my face.

Mom reached for my hand, and smiled, "None of us wanted any of these to happen, dear." Wika niya naman.
"I've been cold towards your sister. Alam ko, hindi niya naramdaman ang pagmamahal ko ever since. That's because. . I never wanted her to see my cry right in front of her. I never wanted her to see me as a week mother. I wanted her to be strong and independent. Pero tignan mo ano ang nangyari." 

Listening to mom's words makes me want to cry even more. The pain in my chest, whilst listening to her is undescribeable. 

"She pushed me away. She thought I abandoned and neglected her just because of her disorder." Mom then smiled.
"We messed up, but we never intended any of these to happen."

I nodded and wiped all my tears away.

"But. . It's never too late to try all over again. It's never too late to retry."

I sniffled and stood up. I went closer to mom and gave her a hug. "Mom. . . "

"Yes?" TAnong niya naman habang hinahaplos ang magkabilang braso ko.

"Please don't leave us too early. We need you so much. I don't know what to do without you." The pain of thinking that mom, and dad only have limited time on this earth kills me. I don't want them to go yet. I want to spend the rest of MY life with them. Selfish na, kung selfish. But my life's too f*cked up. 

And I want. . . Someone. . To guide me.