Sunflower Reviews

Grisha - Broken Promises

'Mouse smiled at his friend's words, hoping that he would be able to come alive out of this date.'

It kind of sets the scene for the next chapters but doesn't really reveal anything.

CHAPTER-4

This is a very essential chapter for the plot as it mostly introduces the angry tension between Gordon and Mouse. First, I will mention the positives. Joe was a refreshing face here, considering what happens next. I really like the friendship growing between this two. The history between the alphas and the omegas is disheartening to read about as in some way, it alludes to the real world. This is very well showed when Mouse is elated at the mere fact that Gordon is being decent to him. However, the one main criticism of this story is one I have of many romance stories i.e. how quickly the characters fall in love with each other. It takes away the authenticity you created, from the story and makes the environment feel less realistic even if it is in a supernatural world. My simple suggestion would be either to remove the line where Mouse mentions falling in love with Gordon or just replace it with something like-

'And Goddess be damned, he had to admit the electricity travelling through his body whenever Gordon looked at him.'

It emotes the same feeling but makes it a lot more cryptic. I also would prefer if Mouse had brought up the point of him being an 'object' less directly, especially in the dialogue, but mostly, that part had been handled quite appropriately. Overall, this chapter can be largely improved with just a few tiny changes.

CHAPTER-5

This chapter contained a lot of twists and turns. Here, Troy and Joe sort of act like the devil and the angel on the shoulder but it depends on the reader, who is who. There are some dialogues that are a little too direct in nature (especially from Joe) that can be reduced to make the reader think more. I like how there is still a little bit of mystery of whether Mouse will respond to Gordon or not, and if he'll reach out, then what'll be the process like. Maybe Mouse can go out with someone else? There are still some questions that require answers. Overall, this chapter is a good prelude to the events in the upcoming chapters, and it makes me excited for the interaction that will take place between Mouse and Gordon in the future.

DESCRIPTION (9/10)

Your descriptions are very well done. They are not super complicated and describe the environment in a very short and sweet manner. However, you add more metaphors when it comes to depicting emotions which is a great decision on your part. You clearly have a structure which you follow faithfully, and it definitely works. I have pointed out some of my favourite parts in the inline comments. The only problem I have with some of the descriptions is that they sometimes become a little too on-the-nose such as-

'But he couldn't until he was sure Gordon understood his morals and agreed to it.'

You can replace 'his morals' with 'him' and eradicate the line after it, and that can create all the difference. But overall, your descriptions are near flawless.

CHARACTERS (8/10)

Mouse/Tommy

Mouse clearly has a lot of trauma from his past, noticing how he reminisces about his father. I would love to that be more explored in future chapters as it adds an interesting dynamic to this supernatural romance story. His overreaction to Gordon's actions (as mentioned before) definitely leaves room for improvement for him as a character. It also leaves room for multiple conflicts in the story. He is an interesting character to be chosen as the protagonist as he is hardworking but also quite emotional. However, it does make for a unique point of view.

Troy

While I enjoy Joe more than Troy when it comes to their interactions with Mouse, I am equally interested in both of their back stories. I would love to know more about the start of his and Mouse's friendship because Troy seems like he is the only person who knows Mouse's deepest and darkest secrets which I believe should be hinted at a little bit by the fifth chapter. Overall, I think he is a little under used and can be improved upon. 

Joe

Joe is my favourite character in this story. His life situation is super interesting and he is a great contrast to the dark tone of Mouse's presence. He is a good comedic relief and lifts up the spirits of everybody around him. His stance on Gordon clearly showcases that he is just trying to be a good friend. My only suggestion would be to eradicate the lines where you mention how great of a friend he is from Mouse's perspective. This is a rule of the principle 'show don't tell'. Other than that, he requires no changes.

Gordon

Gordon (as of these five chapters) is a very secretive character. He comes off as controlling and manipulative at times, which can create an interesting arc in the future. Just like Mouse represents his species for the reader, Gordon represents the alphas. I don't have too much to say about him as he has only appeared in two chapters but overall, he doesn't need any changes

FINAL THOUGHTS

While I do appreciate how heavily Mouse's emotions play a role in the plot, there is a lack of originality that I sense from this story. That is not to say that the plot itself is bad, in fact, it is quite structured. It's to clarify that a lot of romance stories in the Omegaverse end up in the same way. My suggestion would be to add some twists to each individual's back-story and make Gordon's secrets more tear-jerking in a way that seems realistic yet supernatural. However, on that note, I do think that you're talented and can definitely pull off a massive plot-twist that can leave your readers in awe.