Forbidden Hope | H.S.

33

I try to push away the memories but they all come flooding through. Andrews hands on me, Gabe pulling off my bra. I don't even realize what I've done until Harry is in front of me pulling my hand away from the splintering wood.

"Hope what the fuck!" he nearly yells and I just stare at my hand in shock. He looks at my hand but I pull away just shrugging my shoulders and picking up the clothes I dropped.

"It's nothing, don't worry about it." I begin to walk away when his hand grabs my arm pulling me back.

"Get your hands off of me," I order him my voice laced with venom. I pull my arm out of his grip, walking away again and heading to the bathroom. I close the door, getting changed, and walking back out to see him sitting silently on my bed.

"When they let me out tell Niall or someone else to get me." my voice whispers, not wanting to hurt him, but I can't do this anymore.

He's my trigger.

They conditioned me to see him as a trigger. He can't even touch me without me freaking out on him. He looks up at me in shock, he begins to shake his head.

"What? Why?" he questions and I break our eye contact looking at my hands again.

"Because I'm a basket case, Harry. I'm never going to get better. Everything triggers me. You should just leave me while you can. I'm sparing both of us the pain." I whisper beginning to pick at my nails again avoiding eye contact.

"Hope, I'm in this for the long run. You'll get better, I know it," he says and I can tell he's about to break down.

"You don't get it, Harry. You are my trigger. Men are my trigger. Every time I feel a man's hands on me I freak out because I get taken back to the fucking cell of being abused and assaulted. There was shit you don't even know about that happened down there. I physically and emotionally can't fucking do this anymore." I breakdown, wiping away my tears of anger.

"I don't want you to have to deal with me because I'm not going to get better. And even if I do get out of here, how much longer until I get triggered again? Until I hurt someone? Until I hurt myself? Until I hurt you?" I blink away the tears sniffling, standing up.

I look Harry in the eyes waiting for him to respond. He stays silent so I speak up again, my voice cracking.

"You don't know Harry. And I can't put myself through the risk of you giving up on me when I don't get better and I have to be disappointed even more. And-" I'm interrupted by him standing up bounding over to me grabbing my face and making me look in his eyes.

"I won't ever give up on you, Hope. I couldn't." He whispers and I almost believe him.

"You will. Everyone does at some point. My mom did when I came out as bi. My dad did when he left us. Athena did when Grayson died. Niall did at some point because we'll never be the same. I'm a burden, Harry. I realized that I trusted everyone but came out on the other side with no one." I tell him pulling out of his grip and he looks at me, opening and closing his mouth a couple of times before he finally speaks.

"I would never give up on you Hope because I love you." He breathes out and my body goes into shock.

I want to tell him I love him too.

I want to run into his arms and kiss him until I lose my breath.

That's what I want.

I muster up all the courage in my body knowing once I say what I say, he'll give up on me.

He'll hate me.

That I'll lose everyone that cares about me.

And that's what they want. They want me to be alone.

"But I don't love you," I whisper looking him in the eyes and that's when I see it.

The flip of the switch. His world shattering.

He inhales deeply letting out a shuddering breath.

"Fine. Guess you were right. You're just a basket case." He spits at me before leaving the room slamming the door.

I stood in shock at his words but I deserved it.

I knew that if he truly loved me he would've fought for me but he didn't.

I was right. Maybe I did love him more than he loved me.

I go back to the bed sitting on it with my knees curled up to my chest. I want to cry, but I can't. I just feel numb.

And just like that, they found happiness in my pain.

They had finally won, leaving my brain in silence.

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sorry for the late chapter it's my last week of school so i'm busy with that and then senior skip day was yesterday and my friends and i went to the beach and we all got burnt to a crisp. my body has never been in so much pain 😂.