continuation from doubt pt.2 but can be read as a stand alone.
SLIGHT TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ - SPEAKS OF EATING DISORDERS, INSECURITIES AND COPING MECHANISMS.
please don't read if upsetting. thank you.
REQUEST FROM - swype27
y/n pov
the feeling was like a ghost. constantly haunting me, constantly filling my mind with such thoughts. it made me weak. it made me feel weak. i couldn't get rid of such negative thoughts, because they were at every turn i took, every corner i face. it's a physical and mental feeling that can't rid myself of no matter how hard i try, there will always be someone that looks better than me, there will always be someone that fit the beauty standard perfectly, then there's just me. i'm not perfect. i don't want to be perfect, i can't be perfect. i want to be as close to perfection as i can, so i can be loved and learn to love myself.
small waist
long legs
perfect hips
medium sized breasts - not too big, not too small
just perfect.
i don't know what i have. i can't appreciate my features because my mind will morph it into something else, or i'll find a way to pick on each and every flaw i have.
the mirror.
my biggest enemy yet my closest friend. who knew such an object could make you starve yourself on end for weeks or love yourself to a point where you're self absorbed. there's no in between. though the mirror has been more of an enemy than a friend, i love the feeling it gives me when i feel good about myself - a rare moment, yes but the pure happiness and love i feel for myself is indescribable.
vinnie - my boyfriend
the definition of perfect. everything about him is perfect, what could possibly make him want me? he could have anyone, people that fit the beauty standard, yet he chose me, i feel like a burden upon his shoulders. he notices when i'm in a downward spiral, he'll help me eat, he'll help me get back on track mentally. he loves me. he sees the good in me. i don't always voice my feelings to him because i don't want to come across as a weak girl who is desperate for validation, but sometimes he can sense when i'm not okay and he'll reassure me that i'm perfect and he'll lavish me in love.
i'm in a downward spiral once again. but this time it's different, i feel a lot worse about myself, i don't know if i can recover. i can barely even think about the recovery process.
i've been sat in the mirror for hours on the bathroom floor. fresh and dry tears decorate my face. breathing unsteady. nails picking at my skin anxiously.
i have barely eaten. the last thing on my mind was the food itself but the first thing that was affecting me the most is the effects of it and how other people view you as a person.
i have never felt so low about myself in my life.
vinnie pov
2 weeks ago
i watch her as she lays peacefully. soft snores leaving her plump lips. she's everything i need, she's gorgeous. her beauty was beyond comparison to any other. the way her eyelashes curled perfectly. her warm brown eyes full of love. her luscious healthy black curls that carried such a pleasant scent. her soft skin. her pearl white teeth. i could go on for days, how'd i get so lucky with such beauty?
i wish she could see herself the way i see her...
present day.
i came home to a loud silence. i try nit to make any noise in an attempt to surprise the beauty that was waiting for me at home. i make my way to our shared bedroom, i see our en-suite bathroom door wide open, my girl is on the floor in front of the mirror, slouching, her face damp with tears, she looks so troubled yet she's sleeping peacefully.
my heart shatters at the sight of her so distraught.
i quietly walk over to her and gently pick her up, trying not to disturb her.
she stirs in my arms for a moment but then returns to her peaceful state.
i lay her gently in our bed, and cover her with the warmth of our duvet.
i watch her as she sleeps.
taking in her beauty.
though she is in a rough state nothing outshines her prettiness.
i look at her with nothing but pure love.
y/n pov
i wake up surrounded by warmth and comfort to find myself in out bed. i look over to see vinnie looking down at me smiling warmly, yet there's a slight look of sadness in his eyes.
"y/n baby? please talk to me, tell me what's wrong, i'm here for you. it hurts me so bad that you are hurt." he says with tears threatening to spill.
"i-" i start to sniffle as my own tears betray me.
"you're the most wonderful girl i've seen, waking up next to you is a blessing within itself, your smile lights up my day, seeing you happy make me content. it upsets me when you're sad because i feel helpless, because i can't do anything to help you, all i can do is offer you my love, care and comfort. i know when you're down, i can sense it in your aura. you radiate this irresistible energy that reflects into everyone. i love you and i can't show you or say it enough." it's like he read my mind. he read each one of my thoughts, my insecurities and he diminished them with the power of his words.
i engulf him in a warm hug, unable to speak.
we lie in a comfortable silence basking in each other's embrace. love radiating between us. i couldn't ask from a better person in my life.
i know it'll take time to recover but with vinnie by my side, he give me hope. he's my light at the end of a dark tunnel, guiding me through.
i love him so much.
i can see it in his eyes, i can hear it in his words, it's evident in his actions that he loves me for who i am even though i'm struggling to find reasons to love myself.
author note
hey?
this was a request. thanks for all the reads and votes i love you all.
exams are nearly over.
REQUESTS ARE OPEN
thank you guys so much from the bottom of my heart.
- love jordyn.
