Blue Ribbon

Chapter 16 - One hell of a ride

So no one guessed right who said that sentence lmao, it wasn't conner, no xD

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"I am learning to miss someone without wanting them back."

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Max's POV

My few words froze him down in the spot, a wide range of emotions flashed into the green of his eyes, darkening them a bit. My words opening doors that were shut long ago. Doors that should've stayed closed. The muscles of his jaw worked, they tightened, and the dark gleam in his eyes reflected...pain. He shook his head, "You can't say that," His words came out so low, a mere whisper as he fought inside him a similar battle to mine.

Lines cut between his eyebrows in disbelief, "You're not a mistake, Max," He shook his head again and he took a step forward, "You're not. You can't think that."

I scoffed and looked away, "Really?" I questioned, looking back at him, "You see, nothing you would say would change the way I feel now," I explained, "Yes, I love my parents more than anything, and I am so grateful for them and maybe...maybe they forgave you but," I pointed my finger at him, it poked his chest as I said, "I will never forgive you, for hurting them and for making me feel like this."

My words slapped his face with another surge of heartache, the pain swimming in his eyes felt so genuine, and it had me doubting, does he really care?

"Don't forgive me, I am okay with that, I never forgave myself either," He said, his voice tight with feelings he didn't want, "Hate me all you want, Max, I deserve it," He added and his jaw ticked, his anger directed at himself, "But don't...don't for once doubt how much I love you!" The simple words hit the walls and echoed back, they hit my ears and fought their way inside, "You think I hate you? How is that even possible?"

His bewildered tone had something snapping in his eyes, like for the very first time, he was allowing himself to feel this, "I had to live my life without you, without seeing you grow, without holding you, without hearing your first words...with only watching you from far away and do you have any idea how much that sucked!"

"But it was the right decision to be made," The red lines in his eyes were more evident as he fought for his feelings to not spill out, "The only right decision I ever made, because this was my punishment, I fucked up big time and I needed to be punished," His face etched in pure heartbreak, "I didn't deserve you."

I took a step back, his words riping the wound inside my chest open and I felt it bleeding, "I didn't deserve you, and that's why I couldn't be a father to you, you are not a mistake, Max, the mistake is me, my actions were the mistake-"

"And I am only the result of that action," I stated as I rubbed at my chest, trying to blunt the ache he's causing.

He shook his head, "No, you are much more than that, you are the good that came out of the bad," He stressed out, "You are the only good pure thing that came out of that horrible time," I felt his hand reach for my arm, "I left because I had to, staying meant putting you in danger, staying meant this happening, and the only thing that helped me be okay was knowing that you and your sister were safe."

"If I stayed, more dangerous people would've found out earlier that you are my son-"

"I am not yours," I shot out.

He shook his head, disagreeing, "No, Max, I am not your father, that's true, but you are still my son, I never saw you as anything but that."

His fingers tightened over my arm, seeking control from the mere touch, and I let him, because I didn't know what to feel, "And now, there is no way in hell I can just go back to my life, not while knowing you feel like this, not when I have ruined your life like this, I am gonna fix this Max, I promise, I am gonna prove to you how none of those words you said are true," He said, determined, "You said that I can stay till you find answers," He recalled back and I nodded.