Serendipity

Chapter 40

Mean...

I never felt so lost in my entire life. Ang bawat ginagalawan ko, alam kong noon pa lang ay malaki na, but never did i thought na mas may ilalaki pa ito.

Pakiramdam ko, may kulang. Napakalaki ng space na naiwan. Hindi ko alam kung saan ba nagkulang pero lumaki ang espasyo sa lahat.

I feel so cold. 'Yung pakiramdam ko noon, bumabalik na naman. Akala ko, tapos na ako sa pakiramdam na ito, but here i am again. The feeling of coldness along with the sadness. It's a different kind of feeling that i don't want to experience anymore. I already had a taste of the feeling of warmth, why does life have to let me taste again the coldness of it?

Why does life is so unfair with me? I had nothing since i was born and now, i still have nothing. Why do i always have to feel the unfairness of life? Did i really deserve this kind of life? Bakit kailangang mabuhay ako sa ganitong paraan?

Kahit palagi kong kinukwestiyon ang katotohanang naging malupit ang buhay sa'kin, never did i thought na manlamang sa kapwa. Even if life is so unfair with me, i still treated people fairly. I live according to what i believe is right for everyone even if it's against my will. Namuhay ako na isinasaalang-alang ang nararamdaman ng ibang tao, but why do i still have to live this way?

Am i going in the right path? Or i am just forcing this path to be right for me? Siguro, kaya ako nasasaktan ay dahil ipinagpipilitan ko ang sarili ko sa mundong hindi ko naman dapat na pinapasok. Siguro, life finally gave me the chance to live a happy life, but i chose wrong. Instead of going in the right path, pinili ko kung saan sa tingin ko ako sasaya when in fact, all that i've got is to experience again how unfair life is.

Madalas, naiiisip ko na sana hindi na lang ako nabuhay. Sana, 'yung pamilya kong inabandona ako, sana hindi na lang nila ako binuhay. Why do they have to bore me in this world when they're not going to take care of me? Sana hindi na lang nila ako hinayaang mabuhay para sana hindi ko nararanasan lahat ng ito.

But thinking how many people are suffering right now, fighting for their lives because of their will to live made me realized that somehow, i am lucky. Kapos man sa buhay, hindi ko naranasang maratay sa hospital bed at nakikipag agawan ng buhay. Life is a gift. I should be thankful with it because a lot of people want to have it, but i have it.

Three days have already passed since Celine came back. Simula noon, marami at malaki ang nag-iba. Tuwing maiisip ko lahat ng nagbago, hindi ko maiwasang hindi makaramdam ng kirot sa dibdib ko dahil sa sakit, but slowly, natututunan kong tanggapin lahat ng 'to tulad ng dati.

I am born to live a life like this, i should be grateful for it. Ano man ang kahinatnan ko, buong puso ko 'yung tatanggapin.

Mag-isa ako. I've got no one to talk to. Wala akong kakampi although i don't need one. Everyone is avoiding me like i am a virus. Para bang diring-diri sila sa'king lahat.

I'm not gonna lie, sobrang sakit sa pakiramdam. Kahit sino naman siguro ay masasaktan kung sila ang nakaranas nito.

Lahat sila ay alam at nakita kung ano ang iniasta ko habang wala si Celine. Kahit ang purong intensyon ko lang naman ay ang mabantayan si Archer because he was so lost when Celine was gone, people will still think that i flirted with him. Hindi man 'yon ang nasa isipan ko nang mga oras na 'yon, people thinks that way at hindi ko sila masisisi.

Yes, there are things that happened between us that friends do not do, but i completely understand that Archer was just out of his mind that time and me, as the sober one, ako na ang kusang umiwas sa mga posibleng mangyari na hindi naman dapat.

"Are you sure that you're fine there?" Tanong ni Keifer mula sa kabilang linya.

I nodded even though he cannot see it. He's out for a project at sa susunod na linggo pa ang balik niya.