Changed Since Texas / Post Malone

5.4

I dropped his hand as I placed myself back into the corner of the couch that I had occupied just moments before when I sat with Austy as he fell asleep, the pillow clutched tightly in my embrace as I used it almost as a wall to hide behind as I tried to explain to him everything that was rushing through me in that moment.

He climbed next to me, grabbing my legs as he extended them across his lap, the upper part of his body sitting as close to me as he possibly could as he rested his head back against the cushions. He looked at me for what felt like hours as if he was trying to see if he could figure out what I was thinking before I actually came out and said it to him. I returned his gaze, knowing that there was something on his mind as well but it appeared as though whatever it was, wasn't bothering him as much as mine was bothering me.

"Can I ask you a question before we start?" he asked, his hands resting lightly on my thighs as I shimmied my body so my head was able to comfortably rest on his shoulder.

"Of course baby, you know that" I said with a half smile as I looked up at him quickly before bringing my gaze back down to some random spot in the living room, my focus not on anything particular as I was just giving something for my eyes to look at besides him.

"Why do you feel like you can't share your feelings with me Charlotte?" he asked, his tone almost sad as I felt him lay his head gently on top of mine, his finger tips running smoothly over my thigh as I took a minute to think about the answer I wanted to give him.

"Austin" I said letting out a sigh as I brought my right hand from around the pillow to rest on top of his that was on my thigh, pushing my fingers between his spaces. "It's not that I am afraid to share my feelings with you, it's more like I don't want them to ruin something before it even starts" I said with a sad pause. "I've waited forever for this Austin and I don't want it to crumble because of how I feel or what I think" I said, his fingers squeezing against mine gently as he placed a kiss on my head.

"Baby girl, I don't mean to be rude but I think things would crumble quicker if you kept everything inside because how would I know if I am doing something wrong or if I'm doing it right? How would I know if you're happy, sad, nervous" he said, his head resting against mine again as he too looked off into some random corner of the room. "I need to know what you're feeling so I can take care of you Charlotte. Life in LA is going to be different for so many reasons and I want to be there for you to get you through it all" he said, his tone so sweet and so caring that I couldn't help but break down into tears as I pulled myself onto his lap.

I wrapped my arms around his neck as I started to sob into it, his hands coming up to start to rub my back as he placed kisses alongside my temple all the while telling me that it was going to be okay, nothing I could say to him at this point would make him leave. I knew he was right but I didn't want him to think that I was having second thoughts.

He let me cry for a little before he pulled me away from his chest, his thumbs coming up to wipe my cheeks free from any stains that had rested there as he pressed a soft kiss to my lips, his eyes still filled with love and happiness even though I broke down right in front of him.

"Feel better?" he asked with a small chuckle as I let out a playful laugh through my own tears.

"No, because I still have to tell you," I said. "And I don't know why it is so hard," I said starting to cry again as I positioned myself to be straddling his lap. "I want this Austin, I want this more than anything and I've wanted it for years. There are no second thoughts running through my head about getting on that plane with you and our son later to start our life together. You need to know that before I say anything to you" I said through small tears, his thumbs dutifully wiping away at my tears once more.