His blurred eyes

My answers

From my dad.

Ah I know what this is. The yearly party filled with the rich business owners. Of course my father wants me to be present there.

Dad will introduce this one and only heir to everyone. The daughter he's so proud of.

What a liar.

The anger inside keeps on expanding.
"Tell Katy to give me medicine. Now."

I'm never this straightforward but my head feels like it's about to explode. Out of fucking control.

I throw the stupid letter on the marble floor. Running to my room. I wait anxiously.

As soon as Katy gives me the medicine, I send her out. I'm sure she's murmuring I'm having one of my episodes again.

These episodes never end well.

I end up waisting my cigarettes, mascara and energy in the shower while crying.

I gulp the water down like a waterfall and open the door to the bathroom.
Letting the water run in the bath.

Not the shower. Not today.

I sit there, lighting up a cig. Clothed again.
Staring at nothingness. Empty. Like a can.

The water slowly but surely rises and my clothes get damped and wet as time passes by.
Soon the water reaches my neck.

I turn the tap off. The water level is enough.

My right arm that was sticking out, holding the lightened cigarette, falls into the water. Making a sizzling sound.

Losing strength.

My neck that's keeping me up, moves down slowly and I do nothing about it. I don't want to anymore. Fuck those answers.

My nose holes breathe the moving water in instead of oxygen. It spreads through my airway. Choking me. Suffocating me.

Freeing me.
And my eyes that were stinging by the water close as the bubbles leaving my nose decrease.

Mom...I can feel you.

Truth is. Mom didn't want me. She didn't want a child. Not at all. It bound her with my dad.

When I was born, she despised me.
And she sure as hell reminded me.

"You're such a waste!"
"You're making my life hell!"
"Why aren't you dead already?"
"I hate you, you little brat."

My mom tried to kill herself 4 times exactly. She couldn't bear the thought of carrying a child. A daughter. Me.

My dad cared for me through these years.

However...since he always left for business, I was left with my hateful mother.

She always harmed herself. Saying it's my fault.

A little kid.

Mom only started caring for me after I was diagnosed. For once she felt guilty. Not for all the things she said to me.

Not for the mental abuse.

But because I reminded her of herself. Miserable and pathetic. Mom wanted to fix me so she could fix herself.

I was her little puppet.

But I thought differently. The caring mother she was, finally jumped out. It only took years.
I mistook it for love all these years.

I never, ever had warmth and love.
Instead I had trauma, psychopathy and abuse.

But hey...life isn't all flowers.

That's why I want to end it now. Once no flowers, never flowers. Never love. Neve-

"NOVA!"
I cough out the water that invaded my body earlier.

My wet head is laying on a lap. Two broad hands supporting my back.

The rest of my body is on the now wet ground. I look up at the person.
The man is repeatedly rocking his figure back and forth.

Tears...leaving his eyes?

"P-Please let me..g-go."
His head moves all around the room and his shaky hands pull something out of a drawer.

"Here! Breathe this in!"

He tries to push the puffer in my mouth but I shake my head. I don't want to live.
"Please Nova, I can't lose you..."

I can feel the little energy I use to shake my head leaving my cold body. And I unwillingly that in the mass of air.

"You're going to fall unconscious."

Before I completely black the fuck out in his arms for god knows the amount of times.
These hateful words leave my mouth:

"Mom...I hate you..."

That night was my fourth attempt.
Just like mom. Dad said I resembled her and I guess I do. Mom...

Are you proud of me now?