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As a doctor I had a firm grip on the simple, medical reality of feeling. Physical touch. The receptors in our brains that grant us the pleasurable and painful sensations our body experiences. But that was the extent of my understanding of the concept. Nothing more than firing neurons and basic bodily reactions, like a well-oiled machine obeying its expertly designed programming.
This moment in time shattered the logical barriers I had allowed the idea of feeling to be forced and suffocated in. Everything I knew was no sooner jettisoned from my logically hardwired belief-systems when my body felt the warm touch of another human being, but not just any, no, my person. My skin instantaneously crawled with pulsating goosebumps rushing down my spine while stinging needles fought against them striving to render my senses utterly and divinely confused by the sensation I was experiencing. There was nothing else. No outside world. No darkness. No lies. No manipulation or torture. No pain and misery. No Fear. Nothing. It was just two hungry, lost souls becoming intertwined as one in an embrace that locked me in a blissful trance I wished to never leave. There'd never been a time I had been more thankful to be lucid. The coherent moments that I could remember cherished memories and loved ones were few because of the excruciating pain that left me nauseated and my insides twisted. But this time was different. I was far too enthralled with the heart-pounding rush of being swallowed in his embrace to even begin to comprehend the mouthwatering taste of hope and relief after the longest, darkest night imaginable.
"I thought I was never going to see you again." A gruff yet trembling voice broke the silence smothering the room with a tangible emotion that felt like warm, trickling honey to my battered soul. In this moment, all he could process was that he was holding her. Warm, salty tears stung his baby blue eyes when he came to the realization that he had found the woman his heart cried for. She was no longer lost and him searching but they were holding each other in a grip that was so secure because of the fear of being separated again. He didn't even bother to mask what he was feeling, hell, he couldn't even control it at this point, seeing her face, the sweet, soft features he had etched daily into his memory set off an a ticking time bomb of emotions that had been dormant far too long.
"I-I am so sorry. Oh my god I'm so sorry." I whimpered in a shallow voice as one hand stroked the small of my back and the other tenderly stroked my hair between his fingers; careful not to tug on any knots. My stomach could hardly handle the guilt sitting comfortably like a ton of bricks tearing my mind from this tender moment. I couldn't believe I did this to him. After all he's been through I selfishly added another burden to his heavy shoulders already full, too fucking full, and why? How could I justify hurting him like this? So deeply and intimately in a way I knew he feared to the innermost part of his being.
I should've just minded my own damn business. Grown the hell up. I should've never been a young and dumb teenager and fall for the first man that flattered me. The same one that would seal my grim, formidable reality. The blood, the pain, the guilt, and the most excruciating of the all, the shame. God, I couldn't shake how ashamed I was to even be looked at, let alone hugged. How did I deserve it? After all I had done? After all the blood on my hands? After all the long and painful nights I made for others?
"Sorry?" The brunette soldier repeated in disbelief while taking a step from the warm embrace he had craved for so many empty, lonely nights and held my limp shoulders with his hands never wanting to let go. But he knew. He knew the range of emotions I was feeling, because that was him and occasionally still is, I could feel his sympathy and understanding but I didn't want it. In fact, I hated feeling so vulnerable. "Kate, my god, please don't say that." He spoke gently eagerly trying to meet my cloudy eyes refusing to peer back into his frantically scanning my every intricate detail of my features. The guilt was eating me alive at this point. The good feeling now only a brief moment of the past.
"How can I not? Look at me? Look at you for Christ's sake. Look at all of you! This is all my fault, dammit! I'm a monster." I cursed myself stumbling back from Bucky's grasp while reluctantly raising my chin revealing my guilt ridden face and my expressive features contorting, scrunching, and twitching as the sharp words spewed from my lips. Every set of eyes in the room, Tony, Sam's, Steve's, Natasha's, stared with visible grief at my course statement as the room fell deathly silent and my hands rose to my face becoming flush with every human emotion. My body screaming in agony as I physically felt their stares like sharp daggers dragging slowly across my skin, I felt so naked, so exposed in the limelight of their eyes only magnifying the shame.
"Hey, hey, hey, sweetheart, stop, stop." Bucky choked out as his throat visibly clinched at the sight of me completely breaking right in front of him. Immediately craving to close the distance between me and him, resistance was my first response like it had been and the past, and surely after the hell I'd been through, but my fight stood no chance against his determination. As my forceful, blunt notions pushed him away he only continued to pull me closer towards his chest while gently deflecting my punches now packing a little more heat then usual. He had almost forgot. For a split second he allowed his memory of my playful swats and feeble attempts to stand against him in protest over ice cream to block the reality of me no longer being a regular human being. "Stop." He spoke one last time forcefully wrapping his arms around my stature wanting to concurrently fight and let go. "That wasn't you. That was them." He softly whispered into my ear before resting his chin atop my head if disheveled brown hair snagging his unkept stubble.
"Please, never let go." Is all I managed to choke out. I felt emotionally and physically empty, drained. I couldn't muster another word, or even a thought for that matter, but one thing I did know is that I loved the way I felt in his arms. The way his warmth felt against my skin devouring the sensation that felt of a kiss of spring after a long, bitter winter.
"I'm not going anywhere, ever. I'm here. And god, I've missed you."
The team had never felt so helpless and useless as they stood in silence and watched the once fiery and witty brunette, who used to drunkly sing Elton John into kitchen utensils, shatter like fine China right in front of them. And there was nothing they could do. No word or action to ease the insufferable amount of pain.
This same excruciating silence was maintained on the trip back to the compound where not a single word was even muttered as I lay strewn across Barnes lap with my arms wrapped around his neck. Although I knew a hell was waiting just around the corner ready to pounce, for a split second, I felt my body slump in relief when lingering in his warm embrace. His arms wrapped securely around me making it feel as though I was untouchable to the outside world. No force or enemy strong enough to breach.
FIRST OFF OVER 100K READS? SHUT TF UP I LOVE YOU GUYS MORE THAN ANYTHING💖💘💕💞💓 THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Omfg. I know y'all hate me (that makes two of us LOL) for taking so long I AM SORRY.
And I know y'all gonna hate me even more when I say there's only 2 maybe 3 chapters left 😭👀💀
Bro I'm in a mood and this made my cry okay. I'm so wishy washy so y'all gonna be too 🙂 ANYWAYS, what did y'all think? Update of your dreams? It took damn long enough 😂
