Lightning Only Strikes Once - Clexa

Chapter 27: Expert Advice

"I should," Raven says absently. "And once I've got one, it should be child's play to make more, the main difficulty is figuring it out from scratch 'cause I don't want to accidentally wreck the main one we're using by opening it up. And parts, they're always a problem. I'm looking forward to seeing Polis. Anya told me there's piles of mechanical crap there in the old buildings so I should really like it. She also called me a metal-brained, scavenging branwada. I really think she's warming up to me, by the way."

"Not knocking you unconscious is pretty much as friendly as Anya gets," Clarke says. "Actually, I've been meaning to ask. After Polis, will you come north with me and the Commander? We could probably use you. We'll have to leave the stations there, but I want to salvage anything important from the crash sites and I have no clue what's important."

"I'll think about it," Raven hedges. Then there's a moment where Raven looks up, and is clearly wondering if she should say something. She opens her mouth, stops, then says something else instead. "So, how are you coping? With what happened?"

"I'm fine," Clarke says. It's actually not a lie.

She mourns Murphy and the others. She mourns the gonas who died to call out a warning to them. But she can cope.

It had been a shock when Murphy and Drew were taken, and she'd nearly broken down over it. But then only hours later she'd been looking at Lexa struggle not to refer to the destruction of the Mountain – so Clarke had done it for her. Admitted the truth.

She'd thought they would change the world. And they have, somewhat. But not enough. They haven't changed the people, the threats, the dangers. They haven't changed the fact that people are going to die, that there is no chance everyone will survive, that this world is just that kind of place, however much she wants it to be something better. They haven't changed that some of the deaths will be caused by Clarke, even ordered by Clarke – and that she will do that, she will bear the weight of those deaths, because the alternative is stepping back and avoiding responsibility and causing more deaths. In the past, trying to prevent anyone from dying has only lead to far more people dying.

Like Lexa, she's born to carry this weight. It hurts and it should. She can't be Clarke the idealist right now when there are people depending on her to be the tough one. They don't understand this world. They shouldn't have to.

If the Mountain needs to fall again, and it probably does, then she will do what's necessary. She'll agonise and she'll fall apart again and she'll hate herself, but she'll do it. Because although Clarke never wanted to be the kind of person who could see other people's deaths as collateral damage or necessary sacrifices... now she is.

She once let Finn die to save countless lives. Now she'll let Murphy and Drew die to give them a chance against the Mountain. She can't save everyone. All she can do is try to keep as many people alive as possible. She can't blame Lexa for those choices any more, and she can't allow her grief and self-hatred to get in the way of looking after their people.

Even if the Mountain don't get her people, she can't just leave them alone in return, not anymore, not with what she knows. Leave them to turn a thousand Lincolns into Ripas, to bleed dry a thousand Anyas, to burn a thousand Atoms to death with toxic fog? She can't do that. And she can't make Lexa face them alone. She won't. They're in this together.

Raven looks at her like she doesn't quite believe her. "Okay," she says finally. Then she hesitates again. It's unlike Raven to hesitate at all, let alone this often.

"Whatever it is, just say it," Clarke orders.

"Was it you?" Raven asks quietly.

"Was what – oh." Clarke realises what she's asking about. "Finn. No, I hardly know him."