not my problem. - 𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐬𝐞𝐨𝐣𝐮𝐧 𝐱 𝐯

twenty

JANGMI

~ Seoul - 2012

Never in my life have I watched someone die.

I'd heard about death - but I'd never experienced it first hand. In fact, I didn't even know anyone that had passed away ( even though my father was as good as dead to me). But that all changed with Yeon SeYeon.

Honestly, I'd long suspected that SeYeon wasn't happy. YoonGi Oppa once told me that the brighter the light was - the darker the shadows were, and SeYeon was the brightest light of all. However, I hadn't realised quite how dark the shadows that surrounded him were until the news of the School Bullying Scandal broke.

When the news was first released, SeYeon pretended as if he was fine and, because like me he had a talent for acting (even though he was only an idol) he had no problem deceiving almost everyone around him - but unfortunately for SeYeon he wasn't able to fool the likes of me.

About a day before his death - he dropped off the radar. Nobody could get in contact with him, noone knew where he was, but I knew one thing for certain. All of those allegations were false. There was no way that SeYeon would have seriously treated people in that way, especially considering he himself had been bullied in middle school.

SeYeon had always sympathised with my own bullying issues too, and he wasn't two faced. There was no way he would condemn something only to turn around and do it... It was illogical.

The night of his suicide, I received a call from SeYeon. It was late. Really late. He sounded desperate and fatigued. He asked me to meet with him. ...We met.

It was at a convenience store near the building where he died. There was no one around, and he was quite heavily disguised.

Thanks to my elephant's memory, I recall every second of my final conversation with him. It's both a blessing and a curse, in all honesty. I'll always be able to remember, but I'll never be able to forget. A luxury which, at times, I really wish I would've had.

Looking back on how he spoke, I should have known something was wrong... and it killed me that I had missed something so crucial. For years I had beat myself up - asking whether or not he'd still be alive if I'd only asked him how he was. Even a question as simple as that.

However that night our conversation was one where it was more necessary for me to listen than to speak.

"I'm sorry for calling you out so late." He'd told me. "I know you're filming tomorrow - I don't want to bother you."

"That's okay, Oppa. You aren't a bother to me."

I smiled. He didn't return it. Instead, he leaned in closer to me, breathing heavily as he clasped together his hands on the table. "How's School, JangMi-Ah? Still bad?"

I nodded. "It's gotten worse lately, since the show is so popular now..." I admitted. "The girls are relentless. They don't give me space to breathe. But I feel like I'm letting my Eomma down by not going to school."

"You should leave JangMi."

"What?"

"You should leave school."

I was a little taken aback my SeYeon's words. Normally he'd be the type to tell me to endure - and not to give in. But he'd advised me to do the opposite...

"How can you say that Oppa?" I asked amusedly. "I know I have a career already but this industry is very cut-throat you know? I could be a nobody tomorrow. At least if I stay in education I'd be a nobody with a high school diploma."