contagiously In Love

35

I hate myself ...

I cant look at myself

All i see is the pain in dylans eyes that day.

I left him, right afer he made love to me i left him.

I cant tell you the pain i have stabbing me in the heart. I never never wanted this to happen. i never wanted a guy to come in my life when things were so messed up. Why did god send him to me? doesnt he know im messed up? it doesnt make sence.

After dylan and i had sex i needed to get out of there. without even giving him the right explaintion as to why i was leaving I rushed out. I think i told him i had things todo both knowing that was a lie. So here i am now siting under this damn tree in this damn place i onced called safe.

I try to think of what happend hoppeing but my mind would come up with some kind of reason as to why im feeling this way. Its not like i didnt want it or that i didnt like it, its the fact that jake has ruined the way i feel for a guy who is clearly there for me.I hate this

I watch as the birds fly over my head. i brid. 2 birds 3birds

they line all together in a perfect harmony chirping away, sending signs and signals when danger is on the way. why couldnt people be like birds? they tell eachother when life is going to be twisted upside down way before it happens so everyone would be safe. people dont do that, they allow there loved ones to experiance pain and sorrow. its un fair, if my mother only told me how boys were and what to expect then trying to put my body in a dress, maybe then i wouldnt be messed up in the head over one guy.

Im not blaming my mother for my stupid decisions, im just saying a warning would have been good.

i cant sit here anymore i need to get away.

All i see is jake,jake on every street sign,every light post and every damn building. he doesnt leave me alone. no matter what i think about its jake. i needed him, oh gawd did i need him.

i stared to run, running away from my fears of lonelyness, i didnt want to end up here but i did.

here i am standing on jakes front steps knocking like a mad man. when the door finally opens i wasnt ready for what i saw..................................................................................................................................... .

..................................................................................................................

                  1 month earlier................

                  jakes story.................

...............................................

" i have what?" i asked

"cancer jake, the results has detected cancer in the lungs"

the quite sobs from my mother clouded my mind, she tightens her grip on my hand as if im already fading away, she trying to hold on but we bot know this isnt the worst to come "can we get rid of it?" my father asked

"no, we cant, its to big now, im sorry" the doctor said

 "im going to die?" i asked he didnt say anything "how long?"

"maybe a month or two, its hard to tell since it is in your lungs jake, i suggest you try to do your best for now"

my head dips low, no words come out

i can feel the pain starting to cover my soul.

my parents speak to the doc some more but we both knew there wasnt much to say other then im going to die. its strange, you never think about your life or what you  want until you know for sure its going to end. you cant prepare for the sorrow that everyone is going to feel all you can do is prepare for the furnual. making sure everything you want is in order, even though it isnt what you want. i wanted to live everyone does but no one realises it until your dead, i may not be dead yet but i sure feel like it now.