Sunflower Reviews

Rowan - Shattered Crowns

It sets up a controversial statement that they may or may not agree with.

If you do choose to return to these opening chapters and figure out a hook, these are good guidelines to remember.

Source: On Writing and Worldbuilding by Timothy Hickson

➳ Exposition 7/ 10

Exposition is the "contextual information required to understand the story." What I'm looking for here are info dumps, "show v tell," and generally how you weave your context into the narrative.

In the first chapter there are two paragraphs that steal away from the current scene. It feels as if someone paused the movie to explain what was going on. We find our characters walking through their home and we are seeing the landscape through their eyes, which is great, until everything pauses to give some history.

Our family had visited the Southern Region and took trips...

At the back of our training ring was a pong

A giant boulder marked the halfway point of the mile walk our narrative continues here.

I would urge you to reconsider the placement of the information in those info-dump paragraphs. Perhaps they can bring it up in conversation. Perhaps there's another way to show that the family had visited the "Southern Region." To me, this information wasn't that important for the storyline or world building particularly, so I almost wonder if it could be cut, unless it's absolutely foreshadowing something I cannot pick up on which with the way it's structured, it seems unlikely.

Other than that, your exposition was fine. A few telling sections like the one I pointed out but I think I marked them in your comments.

Source: The Screen Writer's Bible David Trotier

➳ Plot 18/ 20

This story sets up the three-act-structure nicely. I'm not sure if that was intentional on the author's part. If they carry the three-act structure throughout, they are looking at crafting a well-written and organized work.

You do not have to follow the three-act structure. I like the methods John Truby suggests, how his method is to allow a "story to write itself organically." However, I think for what you are trying to do here, and for how you've written it so far, the three-act structure is the way to go.

Our prologue teases a very interesting and unexplained scenario, where an enemy wolf attacks a so-far unidentified character, ending with a very chilling message: kill. The inciting event brings back what this prologue alluded to, however, it doesn't completely explain it yet. I like that. It's good to hold back information from the reader, as long as you aren't making them work too hard to find it.

The first few chapters follow our main character, Jane, through training with her father as a young wolf. The opening chapters explore the subtle world building, which is wellhandled by the way and well thought out, however, we'll talk about that in a second. After Jane trains with him and the reader comes to terms with the magic system and mechanics, she goes home to her mother. There is a pack meeting where a new Alpha is elected, and Jane is pleasantly surprised to find out that its her father. She eagerly prepares for his...induction? Inauguration? A year after he is elected.

On the night of his induction, during the ceremony, an terrifying gray wolf attacks. The inciting event happens in the third chapter, which isn't recommended as some critics suggest that the inciting event happens at the ending of the first. However, for this story, I think its completely fine.

I think a little less time could be spent talking about everyone's clothing and the preparations for the inauguration. Perhaps the second and third chapter could be combined. There were times where large descriptive paragraphs (especially ones describing...clothing...which happened a lot) did not seem important to the plot. My advice is to return to these chapters and ask yourself, "okay if I'm going to wait until the third chapter to give the inciting event, then everything leading up to the third chapter needs to build tension in the anticipation of that event. Does every single sentence, every single paragraph, serve that purpose, or does it serve an important part of exposition?" A lot of it does. But some paragraphs do not. They describe characters "getting ready" for certain ceremonial events in ways that are simply not needed and it detracts from the increase of tension that could be given instead. You can put your inciting incident in the third chapter. That's fine. But you have to make sure that everything that happens previously has to do with preparing for that incident.