Art, Ideas, Updates, and randomness

High school isnt fun don't let media lie to you

Trust me High school isn't as fun as you are lead to believe from popular media

[MARIE FROM THE FUTURE HERE, YEAH THIS IS A LONG VENT. DON'T READ IT IF YOU AREN'T MENTALLY DOING OKAY RN, I DON'T WANT TO MAKE IT WORSE <3]

[Trigger warnings for: Mental breakdowns, self harm, some self loathing comments, disassociating]

[again, don't read if you don't think you can handle reading a long vent that describes the horrible things school is doing to my mental health. Thanks.]

Last week on Tuesday I had probably one of the worst mental breakdowns I've had in a while over writing an essay whilst I was in a public library.

It got so bad to the point I just started clawing at my arm, attempting to release some of that built up frustration and stress while two girls were sitting, talking, and typing right next to me. And the librarian's voice was one octave away from screaming, I felt awful, my face mask was full of snot, and nobody noticed me crying except my friend when I walked past her.

Before the bell rang I quickly typed "In sorry for failing you" in the place where I was supposed to write my essay before shutting off my chrome book and going into the bathroom to cry more and dry my face off. A girl was in there, I don't think she heard me. I couldn't even look my teacher in the face because I was still crying when I got back into the classroom. Thank you my hair, nobody saw.

Told my mom about it. She didn't treat it as a big deal and told me if I "just asked the teacher for help and got it done" I wouldn't be feeling so awful.

Thing is, my English teacher is nice to me, but I feel like a burden and that I don't deserve it, I just say I'm lazy and feel terrible when she says I'm doing a good job when writing an essay and I'm disassociating. I'm terrified of asking her questions. She already tolerates me fairly well, I don't want to be more of an annoyance.

Second, I didn't even know what to ask. I was that confused on what I was supposed to do.

...

Tbh, it wasn't as bad as another mental break down I had a couple months back. It was the worst one I think I've ever had.

I was in my room, attempting to write an essay, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't focus and I kept getting distracted and zoning out. I began to scream at myself to do it.

I slapped my arm in attempts to get my head straight. It didn't work, I kept slapping and banging my arm against my bed. When that wouldn't work, I began to slap myself in the face, causing me to cry.

The crying made my vision blurry and so when I tried to continue the assignment, it was too blurry to read, so I slapped myself again. And again. And again. To the point my face and arms were beet red.

At that point I just sat there crying for 30 minutes and disassociated for an hour, determining that I was a useless failure and that I was too stupid to do an English assignment. I closed out of that tab and worked on personal projects until my parents got home and they yelled at me for not doing anything.

Soooo yeah! High school ain't fun, not in the slightest! I get so stressed out that I don't even know if I can stay sane anymore. Most of that disassociating I experienced today while trying to write an essay? Caused by the stress of knowing my parents were gonna make me do missing English assignments when I got home. Knowing if I didn't finish this 5 paragraph essay in under 30 minutes, I would have more work to do, which caused me to disassociate more.

High school isn't fun.

Enjoy your school year now.

I can't even call high school hell, it feels worse.

I miss the 7th grade. Life was good then. I wish I could be there again. Be happy like that again.

God, sorry for venting. I just needed to get it off my chest. It's also most of the reason why I haven't been writing much recently. I've been too exhausted and tired to write.

I'm gonna go now.. sorry.