Happiness or Just a Dream? AU! Tanjirou x Giyuu

Missing

Laugh. Cry. Sorrow. Pain. Happiness. Sadness. And everything in between. This life wasn't meant for me. Why does it even matter who lives or dies at this point? The more I think, the more pain I feel. I relive that scene over and over again. Something is wrong with me. More than just the depression and anxiety. It was too overwhelming, like something was overtaking me, trying to suffocate me slowly. And then, silence.

I tried gathering my thoughts, attempting to roll over and fall back asleep. I don't know how long it's been or what day it is, but I know I haven't gotten up in hours. Everything moved slowly, like time just stopped then began again as it pleased. The sun hit my window as I rolled over to the right side of my bed, the light hitting my face and getting in my eyes.

I winced at the light, pain hitting me as I swatted the light away. At this point, I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. I sat up onto the bed frame and grabbed my phone to see what's happening. I saw several texts from Sabito and Tanjirou. All of them asked me where I was and if I was okay. I grimaced and set my phone down. I couldn't bear to look at it anymore.

Wiping my face to try and wake myself up, I got off of my bed and stood up. Although, I did it carefully so as not to break my fragile bed. I looked over to the sun, then back again and headed to the restroom to do something to make me feel less like shit.

Walking over to the restroom, I went by the sink and washed my face with some water. I didn't bother doing anything else besides brushing my teeth and washing my face because no amount of work could fix this.

I trudged out, covering my face to hide how awful I looked. Not for anyone, just to hide in general. I felt small, weak, and absolutely disgusting. I just want to tear my face off so I don't have to live like this anymore. But I can't. I can't go on, but I must.

I went over to my small closet, grabbing a hoodie and putting it on. I put the hood over my face and went outside. I hid behind the safety of my hood, wanting no one to see this monster I've become. It sounds emo, but I truly believe I'm an awful person. Destined to be inhabited by all of the negatives and become a mere shell of my former self as everything keeps hitting me harder and harder. But, let's not focus on that.

  I left the apartment building, shielding my eyes from the in-coming sun. My pupils becoming constricted as I walked further out into the parking lot. I didn't know where I was heading, but it definitely wasn't to school. That's too much for me to handle at the moment.

My legs carried me away from the direction of the school. I was heading west of nowhere. I had no real direction or desire, I just walked.

The sun stayed up, I had no idea what time or day it was. But it seemed to be noon as the long was all the way up in the sky. I walked for what seemed like days, but was just a few hours. I finally came to a clearing, seeing where my legs desired me to go. It was a graveyard.

I saw a bunch of graves sprawled out in front of me under a clearing with trees above. I walked into the small graveyard, following the trail that was set up for visitors. I walked until I reached a grave. A grave I recognized. One that haunts me. And one that makes me deeply depressed every time. My mother's grave, just taunting me.

No flowers or prayers. No wishes or letters. It was an empty grave, and I hadn't brought anything to spice it up. It was so bare. Like no one was even here. Just a small, grey, empty grave with only the word Tomioka still visible on it. No words even marked on the grave, but I knew it was hers. I used to visit to apologize to her. I felt so awful. I thought it was my fault she died. My fault she didn't want to live anymore. My fault she didn't love me enough to stay. And it's sad because I still believe it to this day.

Why else would a mom go out of her way to kill herself for her son to find her own body? Who the fuck does that?! Just kill herself in the bathtub silently leaving her child to fend for themself? What did she expect? For me to just do everything myself? To learn from her suicide?

The only thing I learned was to never get too close to people. To expect everyone to leave me at one point. To be stronger than her and live longer. To be able to take care of myself so no one could ever make me trust them and then leave. And most of all, I learned that nobody loves me. Nobody even cares about me.

After the funeral, I was treated like I was the ugliest, most vulgar thing any of my relatives had ever seen. I had no one but myself. I was the one who raised myself. I was the one who learned and went to school. I was the one who had nothing. I am nothing. I'm broken and afraid.

I lived on my own for so long, too long. From the moment my mother died to now, I've been by myself. And yet, I'm the only one left. The only one surviving and alive. The one who raised themself.

Yeah, I may have lived with my grandfather, but I was always alone. No one ever wanted me. And no one does even now. And now I'm living by myself in an apartment building traumatized and depressed. Wonderful

At this point, I hadn't even noticed I started crying until I felt the tears hit my knees when I had sat down. I couldn't hold myself up, I was too weak and drained. I just grabbed onto the gravestone, holding onto it for dear life as I cried. It was all I had left of her, even if it was empty and sad. It gave me something to remind myself of her, even if at times I don't want to.

She was a kind mother for as long as she lived. But I guess it became too much for her to bear. I don't know what really caused her to do it. But I'll believe, for now, it was because of me. It's easier to blame myself than to see the truth. The truth that is more than I can handle.

As I lay my head on the head stone, I reminisce about what I lost. Someone I cherished, someone who I loved, died. And it's still too much for me to handle. Even if it was years ago. The memory still haunts me. But I can't let it hold me back anymore.

I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. And at that moment on, I declared that I wouldn't cry anymore because I've shed too many tears in my life. They could fill an ocean. And yet, here I am still going. Still going on and missing her.

I miss everything. I miss the way she'd look at me to tell me it was alright when dad was yelling, Or the way she'd kiss my boo boo whenever I hurt myself. Or when she would brush my hair so gently, it felt like a breeze. And the thing I miss most? The thing I miss most is waking up to her beautiful smile every morning as she made me breakfast before I went to school. Her smile could light up the world, it was that bright. And I can't see it anymore. Or hear her hum her soft tunes when driving. Or be able to get anymore kisses or confirmation that everything will be okay. I'll never get that back. I'll never get any of that happiness back.

I hate that she left, but I loved when she was still here.

    I had enough of this, I wiped off my tears and my snot that was coming out of my nose onto my hoodie. Gross, I know. But it's not like I could ask the grave next door for a tissue and maybe some sugar to sweeten the mood.

    I got up and ran away from the grave. The whole time, I couldn't help but think Why am I still here? Why didn't she get rid of me? And now, I'm just running away from my problems, again.