Read This And You'll See

Chapter 4: A True Demon (haha edgy)

"Jesus Cameron what's up with you and all this unholy demonic stuff?" you might ask. Hey just roll with it, it's basically how I feel and you'll see why. Just sit tight and eat your popcorn okay. This is going to be a long chapter, so make sure ur ass is nice and comfy.

I'm going to be completely honest with you. This is where everything starts to go downhill for me. This is where I basically lose sight of reality and kinda go off the deep end, and you'll see why. Remember in the previous chapter where I talked about how I had released an uncontrollable power within me? Well, what I released is what we call...desire. What type of desire you ask? Ho Ho Ho, not even I can answer that because what I want in life is something that I myself didn't know and to this day I don't know. All I know is that I lost sight of what Speech was really all about, and that caused me to hurt myself and others in the process. My obsession with winning blinded my senses and caused me to hurt those I loved the most. What transpired led to some of my greatest regrets and mistakes in my life.

All of this started around the end of the first semester of my sophomore year. Keep in mind this all happened right after when I started winning. You see, once I knew I was capable of winning, I didn't want to stop. I felt like a heroin addict from Oregon. However, this proved to be increasingly difficult, as the tournaments and competitors only grew more challenging, and continuing to try and stand on that level of prestige became out of my reach. It's incredibly frustrating to have success one minute and then have it taken away. This caused me to fall down this spiral of grievance and dissatisfaction with myself, as well as shifting my focus away from what really matters, which is the message of the speech. Speech started to become more of something that I had to do in juxtaposition to something that I wanted to do. It became less of a fun activity and began to consume my Life. I felt that every waking moment I had was spent on either skool or Speech, mostly Speech. Now, I know some people are really dedicated to their craft or a specific activity, like a sport or something, but this was on a whole other level of "commitment". I remember being up at 1am just sitting in my room with no lights off reciting shit over and over or coming with new stuff to say in order to achieve perfection.

The amount of sleep I didn't get was frightening. I've stated in the past that sometimes I'd practice till 2 am the night before a tournament, but I don't think the average person reading this understands how bad of an idea that is. I'd go to sleep at 2, sometimes 3 if I was feeling ballsy, and then I'd wake up at 5, give a bunch of speeches, run around all day, and sweat my ass off in a suit. Also, I wouldn't eat. Straight up. I mean sometimes I did, but it was in very small amounts. I used to be able to eat at tournaments, but once I started to put absurd amounts of pressure on myself to perform at my utmost best, my metabolism just shut down. If I did eat, I'd usually throw up, so that was a problem. However, this never phased me. I'm the type of person who can go a day or two without eating. I'd also drink a lot of water tho, that was something that I did a lot.

Alright, so I've established I didn't eat or sleep a lot, big whoop that's your average high skooler. Well luckily there's more. Actually, it should be "unfortunately there's more", but you get the idea. Another thing that started to affect me that was a bit more serious was self harm. So this is where things started to get rather problematic, and self harm really messed me up further down the line. Don't worry, I don't do any of that anymore, mostly because it's pointless at this point. Haha get it? Pointless at this point? That's funny and you know it. I don't wanna hear any complaining, it was funny. Anyway, that was a rather average joke in regards to such a serious topic.

I don't remember specifically when I got into self harm, but I think it was right around when I started to get rejected by a shit ton of women. Yeah, so that's yet ANOTHER problem I've yet to address; my relationship with women. This easily becomes my biggest problem, but it's probably not in the way you think. Christ we have like so many moving parts now it's hard to keep track! *Ahem* At the start of Sophomore year, I found myself feeling increasingly lonely. All of Freshman year, I didn't really care about women or getting a girlfriend or things like that; I actually found women to be really annoying and a waste of time which....depends on who you're talking about. Point is, in high skool, guys really only get hornier, and your desire to be with a sex you're attracted to only grows. This causes desperation, and boy was I desperate. Being desperate doesn't necessarily mean you ask anyone you see to be in a relationship with you, but rather it's you giving off a vibe of dependency on another and seeking that dependence to function. It's not good. At all.