Remedy | 𝘌𝘳𝘦𝘔𝘪𝘬𝘢

12. Live For Yourself

The whole day, I didn't look at his eyes. I won't, I just can't. I feel so embarrassed. Very embarrassed! I wanna be eaten by the land right now. I don't know what to do or what to say to him. Should I say sorry? Should I start a conversation? I don't know! I am too embarrassed right now and I think I will carry that embarrassment everyday.

Historia has asked me for like twenty times already whether if I am okay or not. And everytime she asks me, I answer 'of course I am', or 'yes thanks for asking', or respond with just a sigh.

"Are you okay?" Eren asked, worry in his voice. I was startled---I mean, I AM startled. Why would he appear all of a sudden? Like, warnings are a thing. But it would be weird to ask permission like 'hey I am gonna ask you if you are okay, is that okay?' yeah, it is awkward. Like super awkward. Very weird. Unusual.

"Of course." I answered and ignored him trying to catch up on me. I increased my pace and didn't bother looking back at him. I heard him run and then he blocked my way. I was about to go the other way but he blocked me again.

"You know? I would appreciate it if you would get out of my way and let me go home, you know? I am tired right now and I need sleep so I have to go home already." I said. Not irritated, not anything. Just..ashamed and blushing.

"Hey won't you talk to me? You haven't talked to me for hours already, Mikasa. When are you gonna say something more than that?" He asked me and frowned, his brows are furrowed. I sighed and looked down.

"I am really shy to talk to you, you know? I wanna hide myself under the sheets and never come put for one month straight." I answered, still not looking up. He held my chin to make me look at him, but since I am stubborn, I looked away, and he is more stubborn so he made me look at him again.

"Hey, I was half-asleep earlier. I didn't even remember we talked after I woke up. I promise I didn't remember a single thing after I woke up." He said and showed his pinky finger. I tapped it and laughed. I don't believe him but he made me feel more comfortable than earlier. "Let me walk you home."

I smiled and nodded. He walked me home and we also talked about our future plans. About what job we want, about our dream home, dream family, and dream life. We told each other about things and remembered even the smallest details about each other that night.

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Tomorrow is gonna be my graduation day. I have finally escaped highschool but will enter a bigger challenge, which is college. Your Ackerman Valedictorian is really excited to graduate highschool! I will be better as time pass by, and eventually I will make my parents and Sasha prouder for the progress I have made in myself whether it's---physically, emotionally, and mentally---I know they will be happy for me.

"Historia in which school do you go to?" I asked her.

"I just moved here. And I will continue school next year. I tried to enroll where Ymir is studying but they never accepted my application for it's already too late for me to catch up." She answered and ate ice cream. I treated her for a snack to thank her for standing up for me when Manager Braun scolded me.

"Well, I think you'll be really smart and famous at your school. In which school does Ymir go to?" I asked once again. Am I asking too many questions? I bet no or yes.

"Thorngrace Highschool. They also have college but it's located in a different city. I bet it's located in City of Sina. Well, Ymir said they decided to put it there because City of Sina has a greater education than here in Maria Province." She explained. I nodded while listening to her. She has a lot of knowledge about Thorngrace. "Ymir is gonna move to Sina because she will be going to college while I stay here to continue highschool."

"Wow, you two are goals. You support each other so much." I said and smiled. She also smiled and it shocked me when she touched the back of my hand.

"You will find someone too. But as of now, live for yourself and love yourself so you could give a better love when that time comes." She said and ate her ice cream again. What she said just struck my mind and my heart completely. She is right. But..I believe in a different one..

"Living for yourself also means the freedom to choose who to love. Right?" I asked another question and she nodded. "It's complicated. Because sometimes, you learn to give a better love while you are at the progress of living for yourself and loving yourself and hasn't done it completely yet."

"We are in a different kind of situation, Mikasa. So we have different opinions about things. And your answer came from what you are feeling and experiencing as of now." She said and smirked.

'Your answer came from what you are feeling and experiencing as of now.' Is she saying I am in love? But whom am I in love with? Well, I haven't felt that kind of love before so I don't know how to distinguish it.

"How do I know that?" I asked her.

"Kiss every men you know and when your heart beats faster than the usual for one, congrats that is love." She laughed while I continued to think.

When he almost kissed me..it felt like I ran for a marathon because of my heartbeat. When we danced in the parking lot..is that it? No, of course not. That is absurd and just not good.

"Hey I was just joking. Don't take it seriously." She laughed harder as she observes my shocked expression.

"No, no. I was just thinking of something." I said and smiled.

"I honestly thought you would kiss every man you know and determine your heartbeat." She laughed again and sighed at the end.

______

I kept on tossing around my bed, thinking if I should write a speech or should I just say whatever comes to my mind. I wanna do it on the spot but something keeps telling me, write a speech or you will encounter another embarrassment.

"No. I will not write and I will just do it on the spot." I told myself anf convinced myself to sleep. Oh gosh, this is becoming stressful. Very stressful!

It is not everyday that I get to look smart.

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Double update as a celebration! Thank you so much!♡

Love,
Y.M Jaeger♡