Gone

4.

'Gone 2: Today I saw her again. Lucky me, right? Haha...but I can never forgive myself for what I did last time. I wonder how much she changed just because of one lie. I wished she could forget me but that never happened. I know her beautiful eyes were swollen last night. Seeing cut marks on her wrist made me wanna die. She still manages to smile whenever our eyes meet and that makes my heart go heavier and sink down. It's scary what a smile can hide. She caught me bleeding but I can't let that happen once again. I lied because there is no reason to love someone like me. If it's for her, I could pretend that I'm happy even if I am sad. If it's for her, I could pretend that I'm strong even when I am hurt. But fake happiness is still the worst sadness. Where did the promises we made go? Did they disappear with the time we spent together? I want her to be her light so that she won't hurt again. So that she can smile a little more. Where we are from, there is no sun. I still believe even though it's unbelievable, that to lose your path is the way to find that path. I promise, I won't leave before returning her happiness.'

I closed the diary and took a deep breath.

"This guy is a mystery in himself. In the first note he said that they met for the first time but in the very next note, he is behaving as if they know each other for years," I sighed and went down to have my first meal of the day.

"Good morning sweetie! Come and sit here. I was so worried about you last night that you didn't even had your dinner and was also all wet. You--"

"There is nothing good about this morning and please stop acting as if you care. Things won't change even if I am dead," I said in a cold tone while blowing the hot air over my porridge.

"Aa..aa...why don't you go out somewhere today? The weather is good and you'll be happy and--", she said nervously.

"Alright, I'll go outside. I hope you'll be happy too at being home without me. You always liked being alone, didn't you?"

I stood up from the table and glared deep in her eyes while she just swallowed her saliva and stood there in intense guilt because she is aware of her crimes. Her pale expressions are still the same. Her smile faded away but why don't she fade away too?

I wore my sneakers and opened the door with harsh contact. Before I could take one step, a bouquet was kept at my doorsteps. I picked it up.

'Do you know what white flowers resemble? It means that I'll try my best for you. And I'm trying to give you the life and love you deserve.'

I smiled arrogantly at reading the letter which was hidden inside the bouquet.

"In a life full of lilies, someone gave me daffodils," I took the flowers to my room and placed them on my study table.

"They have a good fragrance," I kept the letter inside my drawer and went out for the park.

The blacktop streets absorbed the monsoon sunlight as if intent upon sending heaven's warmth back through my soles.

I reached the park which is actually ment for children and sat silently on a bench.

"I wish I could go and play with them," I sighed in relaxation and inhaled all the fresh air around.

Looking at young buds playing and having a gala time with their parents are generating a sense of jealousy in me. My muscles tighten and limbs weaken as if they will get detached anytime.

The sudden heat developing in my throat prevents me from saying my heart out. Dried tears on my cheeks have left my skin stretchy. And now I regret for shouting at my mom this morning. I can't control myself from growling at her for what she did to my dad. I miss him.