The Alphabet of Breaking Hearts

The moment I saw him, I suddenly felt my heart beating so fast.

But it wasn't something romantic.

I didn't like how I was feeling and the pain was something new to me. It was as if a dagger passed straight across my heart and my chest tightened. Unti-unting nanghina ang tuhod ko at naramdaman kong bumagsak ako sa lupang aking kinatatayuan.

And his face was the last thing I saw before I knew I was dying.

I woke up with an empty place all covered in white. I wasn't feeling anything now; pain, emotion, and... there was no sign of a heartbeat.

Am I... dead?

"Please let my daughter live by any means!" Nakilala ko ang boses sa kung saan.

"Papa..." I broke down in tears and tried to follow where the voice was coming from. I couldn't be dead, not now. Please, I have to see them. I have to see him...

"Papa! Mama! Nandito ako..." I ran as far as my feet could take me. Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal tumakbo pero naramdaman kong nanghina ang tuhod ko at napahandusay sa lupa.

"I...want to l-live..." mahinang bulong ko habang humahagulgol. Napapikit ako sa panghihina at nagsimulang lumitaw ang mga alaala.

"I vow to love you and only you, Eli. That's the only thing I'm certain."

"If doctors say something's wrong with your brain, I guess we're the same. I can't keep you off my mind and it hurts. It hurts so good."

"I love you because you are my sister. Please let me borrow your umbrella..."

"We're to have a one-month vacation in Switzerland with your Papa!"

The pain was scrutinizing every bit of me that I could have wished I was never been born at all.

Still sobbing, I managed to utter words to myself.

"Puso para sa puso... 'eto na ba ang karma ko?"

With all the voices I'm hearing,  I knew this was the end of my story.

"Then how did you live, Mommy? How did you outrun death?"

I smiled at the question of my daughter. How can she comprehend such a complicated situation?

"Because your father loved me and you came into the world."

"Hmp! You told me you hurt a lot of boys! Did you hurt Papa, too?"

I slightly chuckled. "We loved each other, baby, and that's enough."

"Time is up! Go to sleep now. I love you, goodnight," Hinalikan ko na ang noo niya at kinumutan siya.

Bago ako lumabas sa pintuan, sinilip ko ang payapa niyang nakapikit na mukha.

Just like her father...

I won't be able to outrun death.

It will always chase me every second and minute of my life as if I'm indebted. And it was something I couldn't pay with all our wealth.

Someone just took my place and all the letters in the alphabet started to became one.

Just one name, and the alphabet of breaking hearts has come to an end.