Serendipity

Chapter 21

"I actually wanted you to get loss. I don't want to get fond of you. I don't want to get used of having you all the time because i'm sure that once you leave, it's going to hurt so bad and i don't think i can handle that pain anymore. The pain of having and losing someone in my life."

Nilingon ko siya. Hinayaan kong magpakatotoo ako sa sarili ko at sa nararamdaman.

"I once lost someone important in my life. It's not actually losing him, but that's how it feels like... Symon... He's the only family that i think, i have, but because of something, we lost what we have."

"Kiana-"

"We were so close. I thought i will never lose him. I got no one that's why i thought that he will be there for me, always, but i thought wrong. Hindi ko inakalang darating kami sa point na 'to that's why i'm afraid of what we have now. Nakakatakot na maging malapit ako masiyado sayo pero sa dulo ay iiwan mo lang din ako."

"That's not going to happen, Kiana."

I bitterly smiled at him.

"I'm tired of being left alone. I'm not okay with that anymore. I want someone who will stay. I want a permanent and not just a temporary person."

"I will, Kiana."

I wanted to believe in him, but i just can't. Sawa na akong makarinig ng mga salitang walang laman. Mga salitang sa umpisa lang naman napapatunayan.

Our fate will always be a mystery for us to solve. We can assume who will stay and leave, but we can never give assurance to ourselves.

Mahirap na magtiwala sa mga salitang mananatili dahil kapalit nito ay ang pag-alis. Ginusto man o hindi, darating ang araw na may aalis.

Ano nga ba ang mas masakit? Ang maiwan o ang iniwan? I don't know. Maybe both. They both have their own reasons why. Maybe the hardest part is the process on how are we going to go on. Kung paano tayo uusad matapos ang pangyayaring 'yon.

I've been alone for so long that i've come to realized something...

We need to learn on how to take care of ourselves. We need to be happy and feel loved on our own because at the end of the day, all we have is just ourselves only.

Tumayo na ako at hinarap siya. Tipid akong ngumiti sa kaniya para ipakitang ayos lang ako.

"Keifer, it's sad to be left alone, but it'll be alright. I've learned that its normal for people to come and go. All we can just do is to enjoy and savor the time that we've got with that person. That's enough for us not to regret anything."

"I'm not going to leave."

Mas lalo akong napangiti dahil sa sinabi niya. Gusto kong sabihin na narinig ko na yan dati pa pero 'wag na lang.

Bilib din ako sa kaniya dahil nasasabi niya yan ngayon na para bang sigurado siya. Hindi namin hawak ang tadhana, ang oras at ang panahon. Maraming pwedeng magbago. It's possible that in just a second, everything will be changed pero wala namang masama kung maniniwala ka rin na hawak mo ang ngayon at ang kinabukasan.

"Gabi na. We both have to rest. We still have a lot of errands tomorrow."

Dahil nakaupo pa siya ay nakaya kong abutin ang buhok niya. Marahan ko 'yong ginulo.

"Good night!"

Hindi ko na siya hinayaan pang makasagot at nauna nang pumasok sa loob ng bahay. Dumeretso ako sa kwarto ko at nag-ayos na sa tapat ng salamin sa pagtulog.

I stared at my face.

I am always so insecure about myself. My face, my body, the whole me, it is my insecurity. But i've got to learned on how to love and appreciate myself, slowly.