Something In Between: Sequel to On The Edge of Tomorrow

Chapter 10

I lifted my eyes to meet Billy's again. He was just staring at me, still trying to process my babble.

"I'm so sorry. I don't know what's going on. I can't seem to stop talking." I hugged myself to prevent any more from spilling out, but it didn't stop all the thoughts from flooding my mind.

Billy just started the car back up and continued to drive. But when we got to the house, he didn't park in front as I expected. He drove around behind the garage and parked. I watched him pull himself from the car and pace around it to open my door for me.

"Come on," he held out a hand.

"You're mad?" I asked as he pulled me up.

"No, I'm not mad," he muttered in a low voice, which didn't fill me with confidence.

We walked down the slope of the lawn to the dock. I settled on a bench that overlooked the water. Despite the summer's warmth, Billy flipped open a wooden box and pulled out a blanket before settling next to me. He carefully spread the blanket out and started to drape it around me.

"Thanks," I whispered.

"You're always cold. I put the blanket down here for you."

In my mind, he added, 'because I'm a good person that thinks about you all the time,' but he probably didn't even think it because he was a good person.

"I'm sorry for my unloading earlier." I hugged myself again to try to keep my thoughts within me.

"Tell me about last summer," he prodded.

"It was great. I mean, what twenty-year-old gets to spend five weeks traveling around the country?" It was a weak attempt to brush off my earlier rambles.

"Lil, tell me about last summer, your summer."

His prodding made the flood come back. All the things that I'd felt, that had changed me, but that I'd been unwilling to admit to myself.

"Lil, you've thought about us. You had a whole life mapped out, and then you randomly stuck in some dress model from Johnny Appleseed." He pulled me to his chest. "I won't get mad, I promise."

"It was incredibly lonely, Billy. All the hotel rooms felt like the same cage. You were always gone and, when you were around, you were exhausted. The few times we went anywhere, I was always looking around to see if someone was staring at us. It made me paranoid, so I just stopped wanting to go anywhere with you, but then that made me even more lonely."

Billy pulled his arm from me. His head fell to his hands with a painful intake of breath. "And Thanksgiving?" His words were labored, fearing the worst was yet to come. 

"It all became real. Everyone was looking at you. I couldn't even be near you unless we were in the room. Suddenly, the world was the cage, but I was outside looking in at you. There was always something in between us."

He pulled mercilessly at his hands as the words ripped through his mind. His body rocked a little bit and his fingers fluttered causing his hair to jostle even more. 

"You haven't been smoking," I suddenly noticed.

"I quit, although I can't remember why right now," he absently uttered.

"Um, because it's terrible for you," I reminded him.

"Can we not do this right now?" He tipped his face to mine as he spoke. "I already feel like enough of a dick; I don't need the reminder that I'm also slowly killing everyone around me with second-hand smoke."

"And yourself, you're also killing yourself with first-hand smoke."

"Seriously, Lil." It was the first time he tilted his face to me. I didn't think there was a shade of pale that was paler than his normal tone, but at that moment he was paler. 

"I don't understand; why do you feel like a dick?" I leaned in and set a hand on his back. 

"Lil, you just told me you were miserable the entire time we were together, and not only did I not notice then, it never dawned on me until you finally just came out and told me."

"Wait, that's not what I said." I scanned my thoughts again. Lonely, I was lonely. I missed Billy. Nowhere was I miserable with Billy.

"Lil, you were lonely because I was dragging you around the country so I could spend twenty minutes a day with you. I pulled you away from your home, from your life, from your friends and family because I wanted you with me. I never once thought that you'd feel like you were in a cage or worse that you were caged out of my life."

I sighed at his interpretation of my loneliness. "Billy, I was there willingly. I loved the time we spent together, but I missed you."

"And that's how you see our whole life. You're the pitstop."

"I mean, kinda," I admitted.

"Earlier today, when you didn't know, when you said you hadn't ever planned for us," there was a different tone to his voice.

"Yeah, I remember. It was two hours ago, I may be crazy, but I'm not that forgetful."

"Lil, stop; that whole life you planned, you were never in it?"

"I don't know. When you called me from the road, and you sounded so tired, I worried. And then I wouldn't sleep well, so I guess my mind just wandered." I lifted my eyes to his and could see the prodding to continue. "I guess I want you to be happy. So, I just thought of a life you'd be happy with, you know? A farmhouse with acres and acres of land for privacy. The kids running around playing in the dirt and catching bugs. The barn where you can work, but still be close. It's the front porch life we talked about, but for your world."

"But where are you?" Billy broke my thoughts.

"I'm in Portland, on my porch," I admit.

"Always?"

"Well, I visit," I shrugged.

"Lil, you're lying. I can tell when you're lying."

"I'm not lying," I weakly protested.

He caught my chin with a finger. "You've thought of us."

"Fine, before last summer, I thought of us. I thought of you coming home to me."

A satisfied smile spread across his face.

"Billy, it doesn't matter. Last summer proved that I'm not equipped for this life."

He slid his arm around me again.

"Billy, it doesn't change anything. You're going to be traveling more than not. Look for the blond-haired beauty."

"You created a life for us."

"No, I created a life for you with someone else," I noted. 

"You inserted someone else, but you build a life that protected us and me."

"That's not what I did. Don't do this again, Billy."

"You love me. You love me so much." He smashed me closer to his chest.

"Billy, you're setting yourself up to get hurt again. You need to move on from me." I pulled away. The thought danced in my mind; we couldn't be friends. Suddenly Sam, the guy from the plane, was there in my brain with his annoying confidence that exes couldn't be friends. I shoved it down. "We're just friends."

"Mmhmm, whatever you say, Lil. You figured out how to protect us in that farmhouse. I'll build for you one day, the whole thing; the house, the garage, the barn. I promise, one day you'll come home to that life."

His vain confidence stirred annoyance in me, but we'd argued enough for one day and, deep inside, part of me wanted him to be right.