Evanna- Love Me or Don't

Waking Up

    I hesitantly walk back into the room after Katie lets me go. Anna's looking in my direction, brow furrowed in confusion.

    "Who was that?"

    "That was Katie. One of my- our friends." She's quiet, mulling it over in her head.

    "Hm," she finally says. "Katie."

    "Do you... remember her?"

    "Nope." That's probably good and bad. Maybe she'll conveniently forget the last three days only... but that's wishful thinking. And illogical.

    Anna's POV:

    Those names... they ring a bell in the back of my head. I spend a few frustrated minutes trying to remember before I lie back. Eva. I should know her. I can see her shadow outside my room along with a bunch of others, and I have mixed emotions about that.

    She's gorgeous, though. Like when I get out of here, I'm taking her out on a date. Haha. Not missing this chance.

    I toss her name around in my head, trying to call up any memories. In the next half hour, the only thing I can think of is a pool. Angling my head to call her name, I whisper-yell,

    "Uh, Eva?" She doesn't hear me from outside the room. "Eva," I call louder. This time she spins in and is by my side in a few seconds.

    "Yeah?"

    "What was at the pool?"

    "Huh?"

    "I remembered a pool. When I was thinking about you."

    Her face falls. She bites her lip and looks away, but at my prodding, she says,

    "You, uh, we kissed. There. Yeah."

    I kissed her. Well, lucky me.

    "So are we, yknow, together or anything?"

    She closes off, standing father away, and there's a noticeable change in emotion in her voice.

    "No. Ha. Not even close."

    Hm.

    "Why not?"

    "Why don't you focus on recovery okay? And then we'll figure the rest out later." She starts to head out and I stop her.

    "Wait. Please tell me. Why the hell am I here?" She- Eva- my friend? She whispers to someone outside and a half minute later she comes back and moves some tubes to sit next to me on the bed.

    "So I don't want you to freak out or anything when you hear this. But uh, Anna, you, uh, you tried to overdose."

    I tried to- I tried to kill myself? When I voice that question aloud, she nods slowly.

    "Can you tell me what happened?"

    "No- Anna, that's a lot of stuff to talk through and I really don't think you need that right now."

    "Please tell me. Why would I do that?"

    "We had some stuff going on between us and it really upset you. I found you in the bathroom with pills and alcohol." Slowly the picture begins to form in my head. Yeah, I remember that now. Sitting on the floor, crying. Why did I want to do it though?

    "Dude. What happened between us?"

    "Anna, don't make me relive everything right now, please?" she begs, but I'm adamant.

    "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen and I find out I know you but I don't. And then to learn we have bad stuff going on between us and I tried to kill myself? I think I deserve to know what happened."

    She sighs. "Fine. But I'm not going into a lot of detail, okay?"

    "For now."

    "So we live together. In LA. With a bunch of other people. Katie, S- Madi, Cynthia, and a few other girls. There was a little fire and you kinda saved my life? Everyone went home and I had to recover and so did another girl and eventually we were all able to come back. You and I, uh, there were a lot of feelings there. And we kissed a couple times. And then one of our friends saw us kissing and you kinda freaked out and told her we were nothing. And then you told me we were nothing. Um. Then we hosted-"

    "A party. We had a party, didn't we."

    "Yeah... do you remember that?"

    "A little bit. I think."

    "Yeah so um I was really upset and drank a lot and there was this guy... um and some stuff happened there and a little later I walked in on you, uh, in bed with a different girl."

    Shit. Yeah. I remember that now.

    "Eva, I'm so sorry."

    "Yeah."

    We sit quietly for a couple minutes. I think over everything that happened that night. The details are still blurred but becoming clearer the more I think about it. Fuck, I messed up.

    "I get why I attempted now," I say softly. Not for pity, not for reassurance, just thinking aloud. But Eva flinches and says,

    "No, no, listen, I'm upset but I don't want to lose you. Especially not like that. We can figure everything out. Both of us made mistakes."

    "I'm sorry," is all I can say, staring at the ceiling. "I shouldn't have done any of that. I want you, Eva, I really do, and it's probably fair if I give you the real reasons for why I pushed you away like that. My parents, they, uh, they have a really bad relationship. I don't do well in relationships for that reason. I'm scared I'll hurt you and end up in their position. Okay? The fear of hurting you- it's why I didn't want a relationship. Kissing you, that was probably a bad idea? But I had to. At least once. And so for all of that, I'm so sorry. And then for what I did with Ag- that's inexcusable, but it was seeing you go upstairs with Conner that made me say 'who cares'. I thought that meant you wanted him and I gave up."

    "You didn't want me. I needed an escape, I wanted to forget you, but I couldn't. That whole time, I couldn't. I didn't want it and he wouldn't stop."

    "He-"

    "Yeah."

    "Fuck, Eva, I'm so sorry. So sorry. I fucked up, didn't I."

    "Yeah," she says again, softly.

   
    Eva's POV:

    There we go. I told her everything. All of it.

    "Anna, you also saved my life. Okay, you walked into our burning house to save me. And Sab. Neither of us is gonna forget that. People make mistakes, you made a lot, but I don't think it's the end of the world. I wouldn't be here without you."

    "And I wouldn't be here without you," she says quietly, tears welling in her eyes. "Eva, I'm sorry, you don't deserve this."

    I tentatively lean forward, asking her silently if she's okay with it, and when she reaches an arm up to me, I give her a gentle hug. And I know eventually, with time, everything will be alright.