ab initio, ad infinitum

adrift.

FUN FACT: I ACCIDENTLY PUBLISHED THIS. so i have decided that we're just going for it and clearing out my drafts by doing a double-update. XD do good, be well. <3

A D R I F T .

The feeling plagues you, burrowing deep in between layers of tissue and blood vessels and bones. You're floating away, adrift, tossed by the careless thrashing of life's seas. Everything you know becomes a pinprick on the horizon, nothing more than a faint memory, a vague recollection your brain paints in to fill the gaps.

It's a scary feeling, floating adrift. You're all too aware of how you move away from the shore, eyes painfully peeled open in horror yet body too tired to do much else than except it. 

It's knowing that you want to be back on land, how you want to be surrounded by the warmth of the people you do, knowing there are things you want to do. But you are at sea, surrounded by frigid waters, and if you dare try and swim to shore, you'll freeze straight to the bone.

It's lonely, floating adrift. That's because sometimes, you aren't actually in actual water. You're just footsteps away, screens away, from where you want to be. But in actuality, even if everyone sees you, you're off somewhere, trapped by the daunting depths of your own mind on every side. If you weren't so exhausted, you would open your mouth, will the words to come out, explain why you aren't answering calls or texting back or doing the things you want to do. But you watch as their face falls, you watch as they think you left them, unable to do anything more than scream silently.

You don't want to be adrift. You want to be present. You want to check off your to-do list. You want to kiss that person's lips. You want to text back. You want to be there. You want and want and want, but you can't get any of it, because you are adrift and your focus must be on wearing out the storm, or else you won't be able to do anything ever again.

It's about check and balance when you're adrift. It's about weighing your battles to pick them wisely, because there is war on the horizon, and you cannot lose it. It's a skillful game you must play; how much energy you put to staying afloat, how often to try to get back to shore, how well you prepare for the rocky waters up ahead.

But sometimes, there's nothing you can do. So you just float, waiting. 

Adrift.

Never knowing if you'll find your way to shore again.

...