BEAUTIFUL MONSTER

67: Regret

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The hospital, the patients, the nurses, the children, the pasty white walls, the Christmas decorations that had been put up too early, the bright colours of the toys - everything went past me in a distorted, jerky and slow movie-like way. I was in the horror genre and I was unable to escape. I couldn't get away, I detested my imagination; it was full of jump scares; from Mum lying in a hospital bed alone to a sketch of myself standing at her coffin, holding the wilting flowers as I weeped.

My eyes watered and I kicked those thoughts away, unwilling to let misery cast its shadow over me more than it had.

Someone loomed over me and it took me a long second to drag my gaze upwards. A dark haired man with a scruffy beard in a navy hoodie squinted down at me. "Bea?"

For some reason I felt a shudder go through me and relief pulled me up and into his arms. "Cade!"

Awkwardness crept in, joining in on our hug before Cade relaxed slightly, dropping his tense shoulders and quickly returning the gesture and then standing back. "Where have you been?" He asked.

My ass felt sore from sitting down so long and when I glanced at the clock I was surprised to see the hours had finally gone. I could see Mum! I avoided his question. "Have you seen my sister? Darius?"

"Yeah, they're coming in half an hour. We've been looking--"

The receptionist leaned over the desk, calling out to me. "You can come on through. Your mother is on the second floor, room 24. Would you like someone to show you the way?"

"I know the way, come on, I'll take you," Cade said and grabbed my arm and I was thankful because all of a sudden my legs were jelly and I felt nervous and afraid at the same time.

We pushed through the double doors, across the squeaky floor and towards the elevator. As the doors pulled apart, we stepped inside, and Cade reached for the buttons. "Why are you here?" I asked.

He glanced at me. "We searched everywhere for you. There was a time when your mother had to go through surgery and she died. The doctors almost gave up but she pulled through at the last second. When I saw Ajax the other day I thought you'd be with him. I always knew you'd show up eventually so I come here and wait."

I had to turn away, blowing upwards at my wet eyes and I placed a hand against my forehead. "I didn't mean to ... I didn't..." She had died and I hadn't been here. I loathed myself more than I ever had done before.

Cade's hand came down on my shoulder. "I believe you."

His words made me feel slightly better and I followed him out of the elevator, past a nurses' station and a couple of chairs towards the room.

I always saw my mother as a beautiful, strong woman. She was the one who taught me to be brave, she was the one I looked up to, and she was the one I could always count on. I placed her on a pedestal -the same pedestal religious people put God on- and it was high, looking down on mountains and trees and all things breakable and there, she was untouchable and she was majestic and she was... My mother, who I loved more than life itself, who's love I couldn't compare to another, and - and ...

I didn't recognise the woman in the room.

She was lying on the hospital bed, her face drained of any colour, her eyes closed, her dirty blonde hair sprawled around her face, ugly splotches of purple and blue on visible parts of her body, the hospital gown dull and shapeless and I did not recognise her.