Wings

November 1, 2013- Part One

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Last night was Halloween. As a child, this used to be one of my favorite holidays- it lacked the luster and light of Christmas, yet had everything there for me that I was seeking. It was dark, mysterious, and I for one night, I didn't have to be me. What more could I want? As I grew older, I only loved Halloween more. But this year, I resented it. Adam should be here. He should be dressing up, laughing, and pulling me along the cold streets, through the crisp air towards houses with mysterious as dark as the night. But this year, I was alone. 

Lindsay was going to a party with some of her friends from school. After Adam's death, she had opted to take a semester off from school to clear her head. As of late, she had miraculously changed into a new, happier Lindsay. She would go to parties and wouldn't drink, come home before two in the morning, and wouldn't linger at her little brother's bedroom door. She has found the solace that I had so desperately craved, and I was stuck, still stumbling through the darkness. Laura had decided to start attending a support group for her alcohol and prescription drug abuse. This left me home alone each Thursday night. 

I haven't cut since I have been residing with the Bretters. I don't know, it seemed like it would be an injustice to Adam if I destroyed myself in the very bathtub that he did. How ironic.

"You sure that you're going to be okay?" Lindsay asked.

I nodded. "Of course. I hope you have fun." I have become quite good at mustering up insincere smiles. Without further hesitation, Lindsay waved goodbye, and was gone without a trace.

I was left alone, standing in the middle of the house. Haunted. To take my mind off the deafening silence, I began to cook myself dinner, humming quietly to myself. I expertly cooked myself a grilled cheese, then took my usual place at the empty dinner table. I sat on the right side of the table, next to Adam. Laura sat at the head, Lindsay across from me. Danny used to sit next to Lindsay, I had been told. This table was filled with ghosts.

I sat and ate my food quietly, staring into nothingness. Adam has always insisted that my grilled cheeses were the best things he had ever tasted. "Our kids will love them, Syd!" He would exclaim, throwing an arm around my shoulder and kissing my cheek. My nose would scrunch up in happiness, and I would be lost in a daydream, imagining the children we would call our own. I would never get that now. I knew that.

I was never going to move on from Adam. I would never marry, I would never have children. I would forever be alone, carrying the ghost of Adam in my hollow shell of a body.

I got up from the table, leaving my plate at the empty table. I walked upstairs, quietly pushing open Laura Bretter's door. The house was empty, yet I still felt unconsciously guilty. I knelt down, reaching under the bed for a cardboard box. The bottles clanked as I moved the box from under the bed, sitting cross-legged on the floor. I ran my fingers over the colored glass, peering into the transparent liquids inside. I extracted one of the several bottles of Jack Daniels, carefully arranging the bottles so I wouldn't rouse suspicion. 

I climbed onto the roof, sitting with a pack of cigarettes in my lap. Lindsay would leave new cartons for me on Adam's desk, fueling my slow journey to destruction. Danny had paid for Adam's, so Lindsay felt as though she needed to help someone else's addiction. I watched the flame spark off of the cool metal of the lighter, and slowly lit my cigarette. I took a long drag, feeling the smoke curl into my lungs. I exhaled in a long breath, watching the smoke spiral into the cold night sky. From my perch on the top of the world, I could see the kids in costumes, eagerly clutching pillowcases and bags to their chests, running down the street in a candy-fueled frenzy of laughter. Oh to be young and careless. 

I uncapped the bottle of whiskey, and took a large swig. I coughed and spluttered as the amber hit my throat, causing me to gag. Despite the initial horrid taste, I took another drink. I could feel the warmth flowing through my body, reaching into my bloodstream like mud in a river. 

I had gone through the entire bottle by the time I stood up. I rose, balancing on the peak of the roof, my arms extended to the side. It would be one big jump. That's all I  would need. I peered down, and I saw a little girl, staring up at me. She was no older than five, her golden hair in ringlets down her back. Her pink princess dress reached her ankles, and she drew her father's coat around her shoulders. 

"Don't ever become like me," I whispered, before crawling back inside.

I walked downstairs, my feet spilling across the wood below me. I stood in the middle of the foyer, and I heard it.

I heard him.

Sydney.

It echoed through the house, and I frantically looked for the source. "Adam?" I called out.

Sydney.

"Adam!" I yelled. "Adam, where are you?"

It then started all at once. All I could hear was my name, said hundreds of times, all at once. It didn't stop. It swirled all around me, and the walls felt as though they were slowly closing in on me. "STOP!" I screamed. "ADAM, STOP IT!" I kneeled to the floor. my hands clamped over my ears. "STOP IT!" I screamed, then ran directly out of my house, locking the front door behind me with the spare key.

I ran into the street, tears flowing down my face. My nose had turned red from the cold, and I felt as though my chest would collapse. I stood in the street, looking around, my hand glued to my forehead. Passing children looked at me with concern, then went back to their night of fun. 

In a haze, I stumbled to a familiar front door on my childhood street. I didn't notice the long walk, I only noticed the fact that Iw as drunk and wanted to find a sanctuary. My body felt as though it were flowing cement, fluid, yet extremely heavy. My blood seemed as though it were threaded with aluminum, weighing down each action I attempted to make. 

My fist connected with the door, and I banged on it until it opened. He had a look of concern on his face, but I hardly noticed.

"Sydney? What's wro-"

I stopped the sentence forming by stealing it from his mouth. The instant my lips met his, the spark in his eyes ignited the alcohol coursing through my veins. He kissed me passionately, his arms wrapping around the small of my back. I kneaded my hands into his thick hair, prompting a soft sigh to erupt from his mouth. He scoops me up into his arms, and I wrap my legs around him. We somehow manage to make it to his room, up the tall staircase and down the hall. As we collapse onto the bed, my vision settles on one final thing before my memory goes fuzzy- a blue jacket, stitched with his last name on the back.

Dermott.

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Sorry Adam /:

Part two coming soon! Thanks to E, B, and N for reading this story lately and for giving me the motivation to keep adding more! You guys are the best (: