Wings

July 30, 2013

It's been a week since the funeral, and I haven't budged from bed. Not an inch. Much like Adam's final weeks on earth, all I do is stare at the wall. I don't eat, don't sleep, and when I managed to doze off, I wake up as a sweaty mess from nightmares of him.

I want my boyfriend back. I want to hear his laugh, to fall asleep with his arms around me, to simply exist in his presence. I want him back. I want this to be a dream so badly.

I manage to paste a smile on my face, but it hurts. Everything hurts so much. Every thought, feeling, memory, all feels as though a knife is wounding my heart. I want Adam back. I pretend like I'm doing okay, but I'm not. I'm devastated.

I pick up my iPhone and dial a number I know by heart. It rings, as I know it will, then the voicemail clicks in.

"Hi, this Adam Bretter, sorry I couldn't take your call. Leave a message, and I promise I'll get back to you. Have a great day!" Then the beep. The sound signaling that my time with him was up.

I keep dialing the number, over and over again. I can't stop. The sound of his voice is an addiction, and I know that I have to hang up. I force myself to end the call, turning off my phone.

I began to walk away from it when the phone rang. I jumped, my heart racing. It couldn't be him. Could it? I snatched my phone up, picking up.

"Adam? Hello?" I said quickly, my eyes growing wide.

"Uh, no Syd. It's Chris," he said in a sad voice. "I- I heard about Adam... I'm so so sorry. I know how much you loved him."

I sighed. "Yeah, I did."

"Are you okay?" Chris asked cautiously.

"No. I'm not. Not at all."

There was a long pause before Chris started again. "Hey, so I was wondering if you wanted to come to this bonfire we're having with me. A big group of us are all going to the beach tomorrow night, should be fun."

I considered this. "I don't know, Chris-"

"Sydney, he wouldn't have wanted you to be so sad," he cut me off. "He would want to see you smile." I paused for a while, thinking this through.

"Yeah, okay," I conceded. "I'll go."

"Really?" Chris' voice contained a new excitement. "You'll go?"

"Yeah," I breathed. "I'll go."

"Great," a smile entering his voice. "See you at nine sharp!" And then he hung up.

In reality, I did not want to go with Chris. All I wanted was to lay in bed and feel bad for myself and miss Adam. I wanted him more than I wanted anything in my life, and I felt like having a good time without him was a betrayal. Forgetting him momentarily would lead to forgetting forever, and I would not let that happen. I couldn't.

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I know, slow. But the next update should be good (: