Wings

December 31, 2013- Part Three

I arrived at the cemetery at 2:30. If I hurried, I would have enough time. It would be the longest drive I would ever make, but I would make it anyways. I got out of my car, pulling my coat around me. The sun was shining around me, and the few clouds in the sky were as pale as pearls. I sighed, and sank into the snow, my knees tucked under me. 

"You already know why I'm here," I said quietly. "You know everything, you always have." The tears hit me sooner than I had thought, and my eyes squeezed together. "I can't do this anymore. I can't, Adam. I'm so sorry. You wanted me to be strong, but I just can't do that anymore. I just can't." I wiped my nose, blinking the water from my eyes. "I'm sorry. I can't handle it anymore. I just miss you so much, and I want to be in the better place you are. I just want to be there. I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry."

I stood up, running my hand along the headstone I had grown so familiar with. I would miss this. I would infinitely, infinitely miss this. "I'll see you soon, okay? I'll see you so so soon. I love you, Adam. I love you so much." 

I left without a look back. I simply drove away. I began to drive down the highway as the sun fell past the horizon. I watched as the barren scenery changed around me, growing darker and darker as I travelled further. "Welcome to New York, The Empire State," a sign read. I was out of Conneticut, I was away from everyone and everything I loved. I drove with an internalized numbness in my body, surrounded by the silence filling my car.

It was 8:30 when I got into Angelica. I drove slowly through the town, stopping in at the small shops along the way. Everyone was filled with an excited zeal in anticipation of 2014, their small minds trapped in their small town. It was all to familiar, and all too claustrophobic. I couldn't handle this. I really couldn't.

I talked to Chris, vaguely making conversation. I told him I loved him. I called my dad, making small talk to pass the time. We talked for half an hour while I sat alone in my dark car, and I felt overcome with peace. "Dad," I finally said. "I gotta go. I've really gotta go, daddy." 

"Sydney, I miss you. I'll see you this week, right?"

"Yeah dad, you'll see me soon," I said quietly. Just not in the way you want to see me. "Happy New Year, daddy. I love you so much."

I hung up, and the tears started to fall. I could barely breathe; I could only choke as many tears out as possible. I sent a final text to Lindsay, only three words long. Please forgive me.

I got out of my car, checking my phone one final time. 11:45. I tossed the phone onto the seat, locking the door behind me. I had parked in an empty lot, away from the majority of the town. No shops were around, no restaurants or forms of civilization. Only a bridge. 

A wooden bridge, over the rushing water of the Genessee River. It's so cold outside that you would freeze to death if you submerged in the water at all. I had been here with Adam not even half a year ago, and now I was by myself. Like I always, I was alone.

So now I'm sitting here, my legs dangling over the side of the wooden bridge. It's the coldest I've been in years, but I don't care. I feel nothing. All I feel is the numbness encircling me. My eyes are lined with black ink, the ends drawn up in wings. I used to hope that one day those wings would help me fly out of Wyatt, to find myself. Now I hope that those wings will help me fly off of a bridge.

I can see the patrons at the Black- Eyed Susan Acoustic Cafe, its lights glowing in the distance. There are people packed into the restaurant, but I can see a couple sitting at a table. Our table. They're holding hands and staring at each other across the table, and the candles in front of them are casting a golden glow across their features. They look happy. They probably are happy. At least I hope they are. I really, really hope they are.

I can hear the countdown to midnight starting, and I am gathering my coat around my shoulders. I am ready. I am going to see Adam, and I am no longer afraid to die. I am no longer scared of the unknown. I am ready to leave this world. I'm coming baby. 

The people at the restaurant's voices have risen, and I can hear the sound carry across the inky night.

Ten.

I am sorry.

Nine.

I will miss you all.

Eight. 

Please forgive me.

Seven.

Do not cry for me.

Six.

I am ready.

Five. 

I am so cold.

Four.

This will all be over soon.

Three. 

I am going now.

Two.

I love you all.

One.

I am standing on the railing, and I am ready to jump.

Zero.

Happy New Year.

Goodbye.

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I'm crying. I wasn't ready for this to be over. 

I love you all very much. Thank you for everything. Thank you thank you.