Wings

April 26, 2013

It's been a week, and I still haven't talked to Adam. He's called me 17 times and left me almost 40 messages, and they've all gone unanswered. In AP, we work on our project separately, or I skip. I would rather face detention than face Adam. He's stopped trying to follow me at lunch, which initially made me satisfied. But now I just miss him.

I miss Adam Bretter. I miss his dimples, the way he would laugh when I made some dumb comment, the way he would look at me. But I don't know what I would say if I did talk to him. I'm so afraid of history repeating itself with Adam that I can't let him in.

I've fallen into the habit of coming home after school and immediately falling into bed. Sometimes I sleep, other times I stare at the wall and hate myself. I've missed dinner half of the week from sleeping so much, but I really could care less.

Emma has noticed how sad I am this week. Every night, I wake up to a plate of food or candy with some sort of note from her. My sweet, innocent sister. She doesn't understand that I can't eat. I won't eat. Skinny girls are pretty girls, and since I am neither, I won't eat. I'm 115 pounds, and this is how I'm going to shed my weight.

This afternoon I woke up to the sound of the doorbell. I got out of bed and slowly opened the door, creeping onto the landing of the stairs. I could see who it was from the window above the door, and my stomach dropped. I quickly ducked back into my room, listening through the door. Emma opens the door, and I hear Adam clear his throat.

"Hi, I'm Adam. I'm a uh...friend of Sydney's." My heart stings. Friend. "Is Sydney home? Can I see her?"

"Yes, she is, but she's asleep right now, and I would hate to wake her." Good girl.

Disappointment fills Adam's voice. "Oh. Um, can you give this to her? Tell her that I meant what I said, and that I miss her."

Emma agrees, and cheerfully tells him to have a good night before closing the door. I could hear her begin her ascent to my room, so I hurriedly pretended to be asleep in my bed. Emma slowly opens the door and sits on my bed, before gently touching my arm to wake me.

"Hey," I say as groggily as I can.

"Hi Syd," she smiled. She's so pretty, my little sister. Emma's only 15, but has the prettiest blonde hair and blue eyes I have ever seen. She looks a lot like my mom. She hands me a small package wrapped in brown paper and string. "Adam came by," Emma explained.

"Oh."

She nods sweetly, then gets up to leave. Emma opened the door, but pauses and turns to look at me. "Is he why you've been so sad this week?"

I hesitated. Should I tell my kid sister about my lack-of-love life? Finally, after a minute, I nod.

"Well," she said slowly. "He seemed like he really likes you. He told me to tell you that he meant what he said. Adam seems really sad Syd." Emma smiled at me sadly, then closed the door behind her.

I stare at the small parcel for several minutes. Thousands of thoughts were racing through my head, and I debated on whether or not I should open it. Finally, I tear the paper off. It's the journal I saw Adam carrying. My heart starts pounding. On top of the cover is a note and a pack of Marlboros. I read the note, and my eyes burn. It says that this whole notebook is about me, and he fell for me the day that he first saw me.

I open the book hesitantly and read. It's completely full. There's journal entries, drawings, poems, everything. And they're all about me. And he writes about how much he loves me.

I didn't believe Adam Bretter when he said that he was in love with me. But now I think that I do. I'm in love with him, and he loves me, and that is enough for me.