Wings

July 17, 2013

Over the next two weeks, Adam slowly began to return to his normal self. For the majority of the first week, all he did was stare at the wall. He wouldn't eat, hardly slept, and refused to talk or move. I managed to coax him out of it for a few minutes a day, but as soon as I would leave the house, he would disappear back into his blank state.

I had been staying with the Bretters for several days to help monitor Adam, with very little results. Two days ago, I was sitting on the couch with Lindsay, watching TV, when Adam walked downstairs in his pajamas. He hadn't left his room in over a week. We watched as he trotted down the stairs, came over to the couch, and plopped down between us.

"Hey guys," he smiled. He threw an arm around my neck and kissed me, which was almost a miracle. "Hi, Syd. I love you." Adam pulled me to his side and smiled, the three of us watching TV together. I don't know what made Adam suddenly get up, but he did. And I'm so thankful.

Adam's mom was still bitter towards Adam after his stint in the hospital. She had been very indifferent towards his trance-like state, and showed no interest in her son after he snapped out of it. The past few weeks had been very hard on her and she was obviously still grieving, but I knew that she still loved Adam more than she was showing.

Yesterday, Kimber and I arrived at Adam's house. We figured that we should give him some sort of normalcy in these otherwise unpleasant few weeks. The three of us sat on Adam's floor, a Kings of Leon song playing softly from Adam's speakers. We were making conversation, somewhat awkwardly, but that ceased when Kimber asked a question.

"What are you afraid of?"

Adam and I looked at each other with confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I mean exactly what I asked. What scares you?"

We both contemplated this, then Adam spoke up. "Being forgotten."

"Dying before I'm ready."

Kimber looked at both of us, then spoke. "You know, I used to be really afraid of snakes." I raised an eyebrow. The fact that this fearless girl had been afraid of something was not something I was used to. But everyone is human, and at the end of the day, fear is what keeps us alive. "Yeah, yeah, I know. Lame. But really, I hated them. Would run away when I saw one. But one day I realized something; snakes may be poisonous, but aren't humans? Don't we breathe deceit and sigh with envy? In fact, I think humans might be the most poisonous creatures of all. Anyone who says different is lying to you."

I thought about this for a while, and then something occurred to me. "But other people make us poisonous, not just us alone." Kimber's dark eyebrows knitted into a line. "People aren't poisonous on their own, they're made that way by who they associate with. That's what makes people complicated. Where they put their loyalty."

We sat in silence for several minutes before Adam exhaled loudly. "This conversation is getting too goddamn deep for me," he sighed, getting up. Even though Adam had been getting out of bed and participating in conversation, his energy was still drained, and he didn't even bother to change out of pajamas. I watched as he walked over to his bed, pulling the sheets over him and staring at the wall. "I'm gonna sleep," he mumbled, and dozed off before I could respond.

Kimber and I quietly exited the room, closing the door behind us softly. She turned to look at me, with a look mixed with confusion, concern, and a bit of anger. "Alright Syd, what's his problem? I get that he was in the hospital and that he misses his brother, but he's not normally like this."

Something in my mind clicked. Or maybe snapped. "Maybe he is," I muttered quietly, staring at my feet.

"What?"

"Maybe he is normally like this. We don't know how he is when we leave," I explained. "Maybe his happy demeanor isn't real."

I desperately did not want this. I wanted Adam to be happy. I wanted to keep that smile on his face, I wanted his laugh to stay imprinted on my brain. I mostly wanted him to be okay.