Mnemosyne's Youth

Chapter 39

I don't know what to say to Rayburn. I was just speechless.

"Bitaw." Bagkus iyon ang lumabas sa bibig ko.

I tried getting away from his grasp but he's stronger than me.

"Tinatanong kita, hindi mo na ba ako mahal?" Lumamlam ang mata n'yang tumitig sa akin.

Those pretty intense green eyes are making my knees weak.

My heart is thumping faster.

"Tell me you don't love me and I'll let go." He whispered in my ears.

Lalo akong nawalan ng lakas kaya napa kapit ako sakanya.

Humigpit ang braso ni Rayburn sa bewang ko.  I saw how his lips curled up a little.

"Kasi ako, mahal parin kita Mnemo. I love you then, I love you now. Ikaw lang ang nakakasakit sa akin ng ganoon, pero ikaw lang 'din ang bubuo sa akin. I knew the possibility of you unloving me is not unrealistic, but maybe I can make you fall for me again. Because I want you and I want to give my daughter a whole family she deserve."

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga. "Mahal parin kita, Rayburn." Makatotohanan kong sabi. "Years being away with you and my heart still ask for your name. Galit ako, pero sa taong nawala at habang lumalaki si Mely. Pinapaalala n'ya sa akin, na minsan sa buhay ko. Naging masaya ako, that the one who fathered her once made me contented in life and gave me everything I never wished to have. Every day, her eyes reminds me of you, hindi ko nga alam kung sumpa ba iyon, dahil lahat namana n'ya sa akin pero hindi ang mata ko. Kahit anong pilit kong kalimutan ka, isang tingin lang kay Mely, lilitaw ka na sa isip ko. But I don't know how to react. My mind can't process everything you said."

Sa pagkakataong ito, naka wala ako sa yakap n'ya. I stared at his blazing green eyes. "You see, you're not the only one who suffered in all those years. Hanggang ngayon, dala dala ko parin iyon at kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ko na maialis sa sistema ko. But of course I don't regret having Mely. She kept me alive and she gave me new life. Kinumpleto n'ya ang pagkatao kong nag kulang dahil sayo. Kaya kahit alam kong mahal parin kita, galit parin ako."

His brow furrowed. "But why? Oo kasalanan kong iwan ka. It was my fault that I shoved you away when you ran to me. But i was angry! I thought you married the son of a bitch Castañeda!"

He stepped forward again and my eyes went wide. "I was manipulated! Mahal mo ako at galit ka? Sige, magalit ka hanggat gusto mo pero hindi ako aalis!"

"Shut up and seat!" He looked shocked with how I commanded him kaya biglang ay lumuhod s'ya sa sahig.

"Umupo ka doon!" Utos ko at turo sa sofang nasa likod n'ya.

How dare him use his height to intimidate me!

"If I proved to you that I loved you, will you let me stay? Mnemo, ngayong alam ko na ang totoo at may anak tayo. Hindi ko na kayang mawalay sayo. During the five years of not being with you is hell, It was a dark place. Please don't push me away."
He stood up again and walked towards me. "Tell me what should I do? Gagawin ko lahat, hayaan mo lang ako makasama kayong dalawa."

I shook my head. Why is he not listening? Hindi naman madali ang hinihiling n'ya. I needed time to process everything, to think about it carefully. Kasi kung ngayon ako mag dedesisyon.  Hindi malabong tanggapin ko ulit s'ya ng walang pag aalangan. Pero hindi, may hinanakit parin sa loob ko at natatakot ako.

I'm scared of giving my heart to him again without inhibitions. I'm scared to be loved because the last time I experience that, I got nothing but heartbreak.

Because I cried enough, I cried when he left me. I cried when he let me go, I cried when I realize I could've escape all of this if only I chose to stay away from him.