Mnemosyne's Youth

Chapter 31

Pagkarating ko sa condo ko. Nanghihina kong ilinapag ang tatlong prenancy test kit.

Wala akong lakas para galawin iyon.

I'm too scared right now. I don't even know what to do and I couldn't think straight.

Just what if... What If I'm really am?
At malakas ang kutob ko na baka nga buntis ako. Kaya lalo akong natakot.

I didn't thought of this because I'm irregular. I don't monitor my menstruation, kasi minsan darating nalang bigla. Minsan, dalawa o tatlong buwan bago ako dalawin.

Hindi man lang pumasok sa isip ko  ang posibilidad.

It was then it hit me.
We never used protection..

Oh, God.

Please.  Please po, huwag naman sana.

Tuliro akong pumasok sa banyo, gusto ko ng gawin pero hindi ko talaga makayang subukan.

Kahit anong ipilit ko, wala akong lakas ng loob.

Bukas nalang...

So instead of trying the pregnancy kit. I took a bath.

Pagkatapos kong maligo, nahiga nalang ako at natulala.

I took my phone and tried calling his number. Wishing and hoping that he would answer even though I know it's impossible.

Gaya ng dati, ang voice caller ang sumagot.

His number in unavailable.

Gusto kong mag wala. Gusto kong isigaw ang lahat ng hinanakit ko.

I want to scream all my frustration but I ended up crying my self to sleep.

I was just too tired. Both physically, mentally and emotionally.

Pag gising ko kinabukasan, hindi ko maitulak ang sarili ko sa pagtayo.

Pagmulat ko sa mga mata ko, wala akong ibang inisip kundi....

When will I see him again? Because I wanted to hear his voice. I want him to assure me that everything is going to be fine.

I want him beside me with every milestone of my life.

Kaso wala..

Tangap ko naman noong una na mawawala s'ya ng matagal, pero sa pagkakataong 'to. I wish he will just miraculously pop in front of me.

I badly needed Rayburn Alistair and it hurts a lot that I'm facing problems alone.

Kasi pareho naming ginawa 'to. Pero heto ngayon, mag-isa lang ako.

I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself.

Nanlalambot ang tuhod akong pumunta sa  drawer kung saan ko tinago ang pregnancy kit.

Nanginginig ang kamay kong ilinabas iyon lahat.

Dumiretso ako sa banyo

While doing what was instructed on the paper, I kept praying....

Na sana hindi, sana wala. Kasi bata pa ako, I have so many things I wished to do.

Gusto ko pang mag graduate. Gusto kong umakyat sa stage. I wanna make my family proud. I wanted to prove everyone that I'm not an excess baggage.

Nagsisisi ako. I wasn't careful that's why I'm being like this now.

Kasalanan ko lahat nang ito. Kasi masyado akong nagpadala, nagpalunod. Ni hindi ko man lang inisip ang magiging resulta ng bawat aksyon ko.