The Notebook of Crap

Wounded Hope Chapter 2- Constantly changing

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.  I miss you like hell.  ~Edna St Vincent Millay.

Hope's POV

It felt weird. But then again, it always felt weird. Going to his grave. Expecting him to come up from behind me when I least expected it and give me a huge bear hug. But this time, the only thing that  happened was that the wind blew my brown hair out of my face. 

I've always loved having my hair in my face. Why? Because it helped hide my emotions from people. (Well, from everyone really.) I sighed and looked up at the grey sky. That's another thing that I really liked. Rain. I loved rain a lot because it made me feel calmer. More braver then I really was. 

If you're wondering who I'm talking about, it's my big brother. I'm talking about him. I'm thinking about him. And I'm still grieving over him. Even though he was murdered over a year ago, I sometimes still felt as if, I could hear his voice still. Right behind me. Sometimes, it's very faint. But others, it strong, so strong that I start to shake. 

My brother's name was Ben Atwoods. We looked a lot alike except for the fact that he had blue eyes and I had hazel. And that I now had three piercings. Ever since he got murdered, my parents barely noticed that I was alive. I looked back down at his grave. At the granite and how the flowers that I left from two days ago were already dead.  I looked at his name on the grave stone.

Benjamin Atwoods. 1991-2009, The best, the brightest, the happiest. Our love for you will never die nor end. We miss you and love you.

I always felt sad because it was my fault. Him getting murdered. If I just hadn't. I took a deep breath. Held it in for a little bit then let it all out of me. The wind pushed my hair back again. My jacket swaying ever so slightly. 

I shook my head again and leaned down, grabbing the dead flowers off of where his grave was. I looked at them. My hand was shaking. "It should have been me and not you" I said softly. I couldn't help it. The tear started falling onto my cheeks as fast as lightning. My legs gave way and I fell to the ground. My sobs got louder as the tears came down harder.

My heart was racing faster than before. And my whole body was shaking now. Knowing that my brother's death was because of my stupidity. Because I didn't want him to meet my boyfriend. I threw the dead flowers somewhere to my right and I put my head in my hands. And put them in between my legs. I hid my face completely and took a deep breath. 

I screamed like I never screamed before. I screamed loud and angrily. I kept screaming until my throat become to sore and nothing came out. I slowly got up and ran all the way to my dad's car. When I got there, I grabbed the flowers that were resting in a water pot, slammed the door shut and ran back to Ben's grave.

I was breathing hard now. I sat back down right in front of his grave and put the flowers on top of his grave. They were his favourite. (Well, his favourite colour at least.) they were called 'Meadow Saffron' I bought five of them this time instead of only two. Their colour was unique. It was a deep yet light colour of purple. The flower's colour barely looked like they were purple but they were. And that's why Ben loved them. They could be put as pink to one person and purple to another. Beautiful to one and boring to another. The opinion of the flower was constantly changing depending on the person. Just like him.

To some people, Ben was a man whore. To others, he was funny, happy, trustful, and cute. And to the rest, he was depressing, hot, and loud. But to me, he was just my brother. The only person who was there for me. Who protected me no matter what I had done. And he was the only reason why I kept moving on. 

I leaned in and touched one of the flower's petals. They were soft. I left my finger there and the petal became darker. More purple than pink to me. "I miss you"  said softly still touching the petal. "I miss you. I'm so sorry."

That's Hope. Hope you like her.

HEHE

I uploaded! Again! (Not something I really do.)

Thanks for reading!.