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XXII » suicide

chapter twenty two • suicide

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"What did you mean?"

Michael turned to look at me. We were all still in Calum's apartment, except Calum had gone out after I had interrogated him.

"About, Calum not being all good, what did you mean?"

Michael's eyes shifted to the floor, he was tugging roughly on his shirt sleeve, as if he was nervous to talk. "Ella, I really shouldn't have said anything. Just forget it."

"No," I replied with anger in my voice. Calum was keeping something from me and it was obviously something terrible. "Tell me."

"No."

"Michael, I'm his girlfriend I deserve to know what it is." I groaned, "Tell me."

"You don't want to know." Michael answered trying to leave the room.

"Yes, I do. Now tell me."

Michael didn't reply for a while, and I could feel him about to give in. "But you can't tell Calum I told you this." He patted the space next to him on the floor and I took a seat. "You know Luke's ex?"

"Alexa? He told me about her. They broke up because Luke was 'too sad'." I replied nodding.

"Yeah, except there's more than that. You see, Luke was in love with Alexa, really in love. And she was in love too, at first. Calum was in love with Alexa too, I mean not in love but he just thought she was fucking hot. But anyways Alexa got tired of Luke, and so she had a thing for Calum aswell... And basically they became fuck buddies. Sorry, there's no nice way to put that."

"No," I said stopping Michael. Calum wouldn't do that... Especially not to Luke. "No, Calum wouldn't..." I protested refusing to believe Michael.

"Calum did." Michael replied, "And... Well none of us knew about that but apparently it went on for about a month. But then Luke caugh them,"

"Holy shit.." I whispered in disbelief.

"And... Well, he kinda lost it? I don't know what happened... Like some post-traumatic experience shit, he just forgot. He... Calum apologised... Sort of... He was like 'I'm sorry about what happened', and Luke was just like, 'What happened?' and just... I'm not sure. We don't talk about it anymore. Luke just continued to date Alexa as if nothing had happened. But... He didn't love her, he didn't even like her. He wouldn't look her in the eyes, or kiss her, or even hold her hand. He wouldn't even smile anymore, but if you asked, nothing was wrong. He treated Calum like they were still close, like Calum didn't completely betray him. So... Alexa did leave him because he was too sad, but it was her fault and Calum's fault."

"...Luke..." I began to say trying to collect enough ideas to form a thought. "Calum and Alexa did this... They made him the way he is... Depressed, suicidal, always drinking... It was them?"

Michael shook his head, "You know about his dad and all right?" He asked.

"Yeah."

"Well he self harmed before Alexa... They just made it worse." Michael replied looking a little uncomfortable.

We both stayed quiet for a while, as I contemplated the new information. I realised how much shit I had gave Luke over the few weeks. He wasn't just sad or depressed, he had been betrayed, by the love of his life and by his best friend. And he had never gotten over it.

And everyone hinted at it, everyone told me Calum wasn't as good as a person as I thought, but I wouldn't listen. Sudden anger and hatred for Calum grew inside of me. Everything he had told me was bullshit.

All the nights we stayed up talking, every single word he said was bullshit. I had told him about my parents constantly cheating eachothers, and he had replied saying how he could never imagine how people could cheat on each other. Bullshit.

Yes, I had allowed Luke to kiss me once, but it was an in-the-moment thing. And it was just kiss, when I know it could've easily gone farther. And I had told Calum and owned up to it, and I had forgiven myself.

But what Calum did was much worse, and he couldn't even tell me about it. Instead I had to hear it from his friends. Instead he had to storm out of the room right before calling me 'delusional'.

"I need to go talk to Luke." I said as I stood up.

Michael nodded and added 'Don't say I was the one who told you'

Soon enough I was standing outside of Luke's door, trying to think of what I would say. I decided I would just sit down with him and ask him about it and see if he was willing to tell me. Which I assumed he would be.

I didn't bother with knocking since I knew his door was always open. U

I walked to the living room, no Luke. I decided to check the kitchen, where I found him making a sandwhich.

"Ella," he said in almost a whisper. I had realised this was the first time we had talked in a long time, not the long only about a week actually, but it felt like so much longer.

I completely dismissed the plan of being calm and subtle and simply lanced at him, and wrapped my around his neck. It took him a couple seconds to respond, but he then hugged me probably tighter than I had been hugging him. "I-I heard what happened. Calum and Alexa, I," I stopped not knowing how to continue.

Luke let go of me a little, almost as if he was shocked, but quickly continued to hug me tightly. For about a minute I didn't hear anything, and I couldn't bring myself to say anything else. But after a while I decided to seperate myself from him, his eyes were red and filled with tears, I hadn't realised he had been crying.

He wiped his eyes, "Go."

"Go where?" I asked.

"Away. I told you to stay away." Luke stated.

"No. I'm not fucking leave. Especially not now. I still have no idea why you don't want me around you anymore, but I'm going to be here anywhere. You need me and I need you, admit it." I argued.

"Yes, Ella, I fucking need you. I need you around every single day, but I need you in a way I can't fucking have you. You're with Calum and despite what he did and I refuse to be in love with his girlfriend." Luke said roughly, eyes still red, but barely any tears were leaving his eyes. "And this is more than him. This is about me being fucking in love with you and even though I fucking hate myself but I need to do this for myself. I can't continue falling more in love with you everyday because I'm never going to be able to call you mine, or kiss you anytime of day I'd like."

"Luke just-" I tried to interrupt but he cut me off.

"This isn't for you or for Calum or for anybody this is for me. I'm finally doing something for me. Because one day I'm going it's going to all come to catch up to me the fact that you don't love me the fact that you never will and I don't fucking know what I would do. I almost killed myself over a girl I loved, but I never loved her as much as I love you. And my therapist always told me when you try to kill yourself, and don't succed, it's because you never really wanted to die. And I agree with him, I wouldn't kill myself over fucking Alexa maybe I loved her at some point in time, but not enough to take my own life. And I know if I kept falling in love with you, I know I would end up more broken then I have been,

If I attempted to kill myself because of Alexa, a girl I barely loved, I can't imagine what I would do to myself because of you."

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author's note

GUYSGUYSGUYS

lella omf

i love you all lots nd youre all rlly great <3

i hope this isnt as bad as the other recent chapters.

idk i just hope you guys are happy and have a perf month <3

COMMENT WHAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THIS CHAPTER :) LIKE LUKE OMF

GOODBYE <3

-sofiiiii