roses » cth [au]

I » overthinking

chapter one • overthinking

☠ ☠ ☠

Overthinking

(verb)

The act of excessive analysis of a certain thing.

That was exactly what I was doing.

Overthinking should really be considered a mental disorder. It basically constricts you from focusing on anything. It keeps you up at night, and makes you forget things, it makes your mind drift off, in even the most important situations.

Overthinking. It made me analyze every aspect of that rose.

How could the person see my cuts? They were covered.

Does the person who sent it really think I'm beautiful?

A million more questions popped into my mind but the most important; Who sent the rose?

Coming across a lot of people yesterday, it could've really been any of them. I crossed of the old man though, because he didn't even seem to be paying attention to me. I crossed off Luke also, because he seems like he wouldn't actually care if you cut, and he's definately not the one to call a girl beautiful. Maybe 'hot' or 'sexy' but definately not beautiful. I even made a list; it could be; the desk clerk, Michael, Calum, Ashton, or Alyssa. Actually I don't think Michael knows which apartment I'm at so we can take him off. It's down to four. I thought about asking those four, but then they'd want to see my notes, and they'd know I cut and they'd make fun of me like the people at my previous school. Maybe not Alyssa or the desk clerk because they're adults, but I can't be sure about Calum and Ashton.

Even my best friend made fun of me when she found out. Actually, I told her. I trusted her, and I remember telling her I was having problems at home, and I picked up the habit of cutting, and I remember showing her my cuts. Her mouth was agape, but that expression quickly changed. She laughed and stood up and said "You're just another suicidal freak." and she ran out of my house, and I started to cry. The next day I came to school, and people stayed away from me, and they laughed, and they whispered whilst staring at me. One girl went, "You're ugly. Are you going to go cut yourself?" and laughed, and her friends laughed a long. I though, how could people be so cruel? How could they tell me to cut myself, and laugh, as if that actually funny. The cutting became more frequent, and I went to cutting just because I was sad, to cutting because I truly did hate myself, and I did deserve it. I still do.

Things have gotten a little better since then, though. A few days before I came here, I promised myself to at least try to get better, and I have. I've been five days clean, which is relatively good.

I was kind of happy about the note, because it was nice. But, I was hoping nobody would find out, and I'd eventually stop cutting, and we could leave that in the past. But someone already knows.

My thoughts were broken off as I heard a knock on the door. "Hi," I smiled as I opened the door to see Calum. "Hey," He said smiling too. "Um, so me and some people are going to eat breakfast at Denny's, do you want to come?" Calum asked wearing that bright smile of his. "Uh, I think so, yeah." I said nodding. "Do you want to come with me or do you want to meet us there or?" He asked.

"Erm, I don't actually know where anything is so I think I should go with you, but I need to get dressed."

"That's fine."

Calum sat on the couch as I walked to my room. I rummaged through my boxes full of clothes to find somethin good to where. After all the clothes I packed were sprawled across my bedroom floor, I decided on what to wear. I put on some black skinny jeans; floral doc martens; and a black crop top that had the Deff Leppard logo on it. I pulled up my long, wavy, black hair into a high ponytail and left.