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chapter four • triggering

WARNING: Calum and Ella fluffffff, TWLOHA refrences, possibly triggering so if you get triggered easily, when it gets to the self harm part please please please skip over it.

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Again I found myself reading a note attached to a rose. At first I didn't understand the note he sent yesterday, as if it was the first note he ever sent, but I figured maybe he didn't open the reply I sent him, but this note he definitely did. He said he wouldn't stop sending them until I stopped cutting, which I'm not sure would ever happen. I haven't though, not in four days, not since I moved here. I guess I've been so overwhelmed by the move and Uni I really haven't even thought about it, the only thing reminding me were these fucking notes.

They're sweet and all but they're triggering.

They remind me of when I would draw the silver razor against my skin, and how all my problems seemed to disappear as the blood ran out of my skin. So I made another and another and another for that sweet temporary relief. The notes reminded me of everything. My fucking disfunctional family. How when I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw, and still do. All the people at school reassuring me that I was indeed 'worthless' 'ugly' 'disgusting' and 'hopeless'.

Sure enough I found myself scratching up and down my arms. A single tear slid down my face as I stood up and walked to my bathroom. I pulled out my razor and pressed it down on my wrist. I knew, after I made that first cut, I wouldn't be able to stop myself. All efforts of staying clean, would go straight down the drain, with my blood.

"Fuck!" I screamed throwing the razor down againsst the floor. I raised my hands to my head pulling my hair back and letting out and a groan. I knew I couldn't trust myself, and I needed somebody, no matter how much I'd like to control my emotions it's not possible. The first person who came to mind, Calum.

After five rings he picked up.

"E-Ella?" He said yawning, "Why are you calling me at four in the morning?"

"Um, I'm sorry. I-I just, I don't know, I'm not okay," I said more tears stinging my eyes as I looked at the razor lying on the floor.

"Babe, what's wrong? Do you need something?" He asked an I could sense slight urgency in his voice. It was nice to know he was worried, it was comforting.

"No, I don't know, can I just go over there for the night?" I asked.

"Of course, the doors open already." He said and I thanked him and hung up.

I walked through his dark house not wanting to turn any lights on. I opened one door that was a bathroom and I kept walking. I found another door that I entered and neared the bed, but I saw Ashton's curly hair so I knew I was in the wrong room. I went to the next room and I saw Calum laying on his bed, wrapped in blankets. As he heard me open the door, he sat up one his bed rubbing his eyes slowly. I walked over a sat on the edge of his bed next to him.

"Were you crying?" Calum asked brushing his finger against my wet cheek.

"Y-Yes," I whispered drying my cheeks.

"What happened?" He asked rubbing circles into my back.

"I-I just, I, like, I," I stuttered.

"Shh, it's okay, you don't need to tell me, but, are you okay?" He asked as I nodded, and I couldn't tell if I was lying. I wasn't okay, I had just had a small anxiety attack in the bathroom, and I wanted to die, and I wasn't okay. But being next to Calum, made everything feel less bad. People need people.