roses » cth [au]

XXIII » "you wouldn't."

chapter twenty three • "you wouldn't."

☠ ☠ ☠

"Luke, stop," I whispered as I tried to calm him down.

"No," He said passing his had through his hair, "No, I-I, I told you to leave to avoid saying all of this. Because I know you're going to blame yourself and you're going to make yourself feel like shit, and that's not what I'm trying to tell you. It's my fault, it's... it's all my fault. I'm not strong enough to control my feelings for you, I'm not strong enough to stop myself from falling in love with you. Nothing's your fault. It's mine. I'm sorry." The last few words came out in a whisper, his energy seemed to be drain. He had let go of the tight grasp he had on the kitchen sink, but you could still see the anger in his eyes. I wasn't sure if he was angry at me, at himself, or at life in general. And I wasn't sure if I wanted to find out.

"Luke, you can't blame yourself for everything. Some things are out of your reach, some things you just can't change. Love is human nature, you can't change who you fall in love with, you just fall in love with some and... sometimes they fall in love with you too. It is not your fault." I said making infinite hand gestures, feeling like a preacher.

Luke had his eyes fixed on the floor, he didn't seem to be listening to me, although I knew he was he didn't seem to care. I kept waiting for a facial expression or a head shake or something to tell me I was getting through to him, but there was nothing. About a minute later, he raised his head, looking at me dead in the eye, "You don't love me."

I sighed, "We've been over this."

In less than a second Luke responded with-"I want to go over it again."

I chewed on the skin of my finger tips, trying to calm down. Once again for a reason I couldn't quite explain, I felt anxiety building up inside of me. I was used to random uncalled for and unexplained anxiety attacks, but never with Luke. Even around Calum I had had a few. But not once around Luke.

It went the same way as any other anxiety attack. It started with an overwhelming feeling of worry, and I felt uneasy. Once again I tried to figure out why I was getting an anxiety attack or how to calm myself but I couldn't. Soon enough the tears began rolling down, and the feeling as if I couldn't breathe. I was having a breakdown in the middle of Luke's kitchen, and he did nothing. Out of all people I expected to help me or to understand what was happening it was him. But he just stood there, and watched. At one point he reached out to grab my hand but quickly stopped himself.

"I want to go over it again." Luke repeated himself as if I wasn't completely breakdown in front of him.

I was breathing slowly, trying to calm down, and it work to an extent but soon I was overtaken with rage, I dried my tears and looked up at Luke. I was sobbing and he still wanted me to explain why I'm not fucking in love with him. I took a breath, and tried to organise my thoughts before I spoke them, but it didn't work. "I-I I'm not even dating Calum anymore, okay? For you. Because of what he did to you. I'm breaking up with him. Are you happy now? This is what you wanted? You don't care about me, do you? You..." I took deep breaths inbetween trying to make more sense of what I was saying but it all came out rambled, as if it was only one word.

"What the fuck?" Luke asked and I raised an eyebrow. He was obviously frustrated, and I was too and we were a mess of sadness and anger and confusion. "You really think I don't care about you? If I didn't care about you I probably wouldn't be such a mess right now. If I didn't care about you, you wouldn't be with Calum. I could've told you, I wanted to fucking tell you, I knew you would never even consider being his girlfriend if you knew. But because I knew he made you so happier, much happier than I ever could, I kept my mouth shut. For you. Everything I do is for you. You're the one who doesn't give a shit. Not about me."

I couldn't hold in the tears, again. I never liked fighting yet my whole life seemed to be arguing. "I care about you Luke. So much. You just make it really fucking hard sometimes."

Luke's voice came out softly, in almost a whisper, "Can I ask you something?"

I nodded.

"Are you in love with Calum? Because I don't think you are." Luke said as he moved closer to me. We both calmed down a bit, and I wasn't crying.

I didn't know how to respond. If he had asked me this yesterday I would've said 'yes' without hesitation. But now I was sure. If I was leaving Calum so easily as I had planned because of what he did to Luke, did I really ever love him?

After staying silent, Luke spoke, "You... You're with me way more than you are with him... You tell me more than you have told him... I don't think you love him."

"I don't know if I love Calum. And I don't know if I love you either." I avoided looking at Luke's eyes. I focused on the ledge of the counter, steadily tapping my fingers on it. I didn't love Luke. I would know if I loved Luke. I would know.

"If I kissed you, you wouldn't stop me." Luke said, walking towards me.

"I would."

"You wouldn't." He said putting his hand on my chin. His thumb brushed my lip softly. I didn't know how to react, and I wasn't sure if I should pull away.

"You wouldn't." Luke repeated, closing the space between on lips.

☠ ☠ ☠

author's note

hello :) so lella im so done

i rlly want to turn this into a luke fic

but anyways imy all :(

pLEASE COMMENT ON THIS CHAPTER N THE LAST ONE SO I DONT FEEL LAME <3

i love love love love love love love love love all of you guys #tru <3

-sofi