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XII » 'love'

chapter twelve • 'love'

WARNING: messy af but ashton and ella kiss so it makes up for it.

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"I do." I said, moving in closer to him, which was almost impossible. I sighed nestling my head into Calum's neck as he rested his head ontop of mine. I didn't know what else to say, there was nothing to say. So holding his hand a little tighter, I said the first thing that came to mind. "You deserved so much better than that, Calum, you really did, I'm sorry."

He tried to give a small smile but it faded fast. "No, I really didn't. I still don't." Calum said shaking his head. "It's okay though. It's all over. I still have Ashton and Luke. I have a flat. I have you. Life is better now. Thank God."

We both stayed silent whilst I tried to figure out what to say. "You don't get it, Calum. You're amazing. You're sweet, hilarious, unique, you're just completely different than anyone I've met. You're every good quality a person could have. If anyone deserves the best, it's you. Don't doubt yourself, you're perfect, it's other people's loss if they can't realize that."

Then, Calum pulled A Luke. "I don't get you Ella," He said chuckling. I raised my eyebrow at him, signaling for him to explain further. "You see the best in everyone, except yourself. You're nice to everyone, except yourself. You see purpose in everyone's life, except your own. Why?"

Again, I contemplated the same question. I hoped Calum would back out and take back the question, as Luke had, but he didn't. The longer I pondered the question, the more eagerly Calum awaited a response. A response I didn't seem to have. "I-I... I don't know. I live inside of me, I hear my thoughts, I know what I think of, I know every part of me, and after seeing that there's no way I could even remotely like myself. Or see anything good of me. Trust me, if you could see in my mind, you'd hate me too."

All truth. If people could somehow enter my brain, read my thoughts, nobody could ever love me. I'd lived inside me for more than seventeen years, I had explored every part of myself, and it only made me hate myself more.

"Then tell me," Calum asked, "Tell me. How do you think? What's inside your head? How do you see yourself?"

I wanted to find an excuse to end this conversation and move on, but I couldn't. Calum had opened up completely to me, and I owed it to him to do the same. "It's almost impossible to explain... but I'll do my best... I... I see the worst in the everything. I can't have one normal, nice thought, without a morbid thought about death or hatred continuing it. Nothing makes me happy... Except you, and Luke, and Ashton and bands. Not butterflies, not flowers, not puppies, not nature, none of that excites me or makes me feel anything. I guess thats why I get attached so easily, I rarely feel anything good, no love, no happiness, no content, none of that. So when I find someone like you who makes me feel all of those things, I cling to them. The things I do feel; guilt, anger, pain, suffering. None of which I can control. The guilt, anger, all of that just consumes my soul and there comes a point where it just eats you up completely and you're just... empty. I've been there more than once. That's when you start realising just how much you don't have anything to live for... so you don't live. You either kill yourself, or you exist, empty an souless trapped inside a body you've been to taught to hate. But then, if you've survived, something happens or someone comes along that makes you think 'wow, I do have some thing to live for, and I want to live-for that.' so then you regain some parts of your soul, even if you're not whole. But then, the twist, you think you're doing great, and then something reminds you of the way things were. And you start loosing yourself, yet again. And you start thinking the way you did before. And before you know it your demons took over, and you're gone. This relapse could take months, years, or just a couple minutes. You see Calum, depression never ends, and that's why I shouldn't be here. I'm just a big ball of depression, and all you deserve better. That's how I think Calum, and I bet you're terrified now."