Jason & Darius |Craving Yours| ✔

11. Mom & Dad

Jason Madison

The whole weekend passed in a blur of silent touches and awkward meals. Darius and I were still not on the same book or even page. But towards the end, we seemed to have moved into a certain rhythm of figuring out how to be around each other without actually being with each other. It was bleak and yet still comforting.

The ride back to town was silent and so peaceful. Darius had agreed to pass by my house because I needed to pick up some essentials for the studio. I needed them so I could process the pictures I had taken at the lake house. It ended up being a good weekend trip. It wasn't my type of ideal trip but I liked parts of it and it seemed like Darius was getting used to the idea of being with me without looking like Mason's ghost was looking over his shoulder.

Darius parked the car directly in front of the main entrance of my house. I took one look at him and invited him in against my better judgment. I wasn't going to take long and every fibre in my body was telling me not to invite him in. I silently walked in front allowing Darius to process what was going on. He was after all, about to enter the house my brother and I lived in and nothing had changed even after Mason's death.

The moment we entered the house he inhaled a strangled sharp intake of air as he gazed at the large portrait of my brother and I in matching shirts and smiles, that hung directly in front of the door. Mason had said it resembled horror movie twins. But now it seemed to send a whole new set of chills around the room.

Darius looked like someone had poured ice-cold water onto him and the harsh reality of my brother's death was back at the forefront of his mind. His eyes alone spoke volumes of the pain suffering and guilt that now plagued him. I grabbed his hand and directed him to the only place I could think off were pictures or reminders of Mason did not exist. The kitchen. 

We stood in the centre of the kitchen still and not talking. Darius looked like he was far from here as I watched the fleeting expressions on his face. It was like looking at a photo album of regret sadness and hostility. I squeezed his hand before he went too deep and pushed me away again. Like he always did every time after sex. A bad habit of his.

I stared at him quietly as he raised his eyes to look at me. His eyes were filled to the brim with unshed tears and he looked so distraught. Without thinking I held his hands and placed my lips against his. Kissing him with slow gentle movements.  Why did I think inviting him in was a good idea anyway? He let me kiss him without returning or moving away from the kiss. He just stood there motionless, breathing through his nose as his hands gripped mine.

It must have looked bad to someone watching from the outside because my mother's shocked voice startled both of us, with a tone of sadness disgust and an undertone of fury.

"What are you doing?"

I let go of Darius and took a large step back as if he had burned me. The shock I felt was musked with embarrassment and guilt. All of a sudden I felt like I really was kissing my brother's boyfriend. My mother looked horrified and disappointed it broke my heart and made me feel even more ashamed.

"Bedroom now." She said pointing upstairs.

I walked past her, head hanging in shame. I felt like the worst example of a brother.  Even worse than those twins that always managed to kill the other in true crime shows. Maybe I did deserve someone to set me straight to tell me what I had done was wrong after all it was wrong. 

I sat in my room for what seemed like hours. My palms were sweaty and my heart was flip-flopping in my chest. I couldn't help but feel like a high school student sent to the principles office. My hands were shaking as I tried to smooth the creases in my shorts maybe if I looked presentable it would be better, my brain supplied. Something about my mother being the one to catch me made me feel wrong, filthy and disgusting. I felt slimy and not worthy of any love my parents offered. Like I was something you scrap of the bottom of your shoe.

She walked in with a grim look on her face and a mildly disappointed look in her eyes. "I told him to leave." 

"Mum it's not as bad as it looks," I said looking at my sweaty palms.

"Jason. Darling. You know its wrong. I could tell you how wrong it is but by the way you are looking down you know its wrong."

"Yes, but..."

"No, No buts. You could have anyone in the entire world why him. You could do so much better than him. Why Jase."

"I just... I really really like him." I whispered.

"But he is not yours, Jason."

"He is not Mason's either. anymore." I tacked on the last word silently in the hopes that my mother would ignore it. She didn't.

In fact, her head whipped around from the door where she stood. She stared at me with an angry, menacing glare as if daring me to say that again. I did not.

"I will let you think about what you are doing." She said leaving and closing the door behind her.

I flopped back on the bed feeling sad and misunderstood. I couldn't even properly stand up to my parents. Mason usually could I was the one who usually caved and did whatever they said. Now here I was confused and sad.

I checked my phone to see if Darius had texted me or said goodbye since my mum had kicked him out but there was nothing there. So instead I decided to call the one person who would understand me and give me the type of risky advice I needed. Odette. My best friend.