Jason & Darius |Craving Yours| ✔

15.Prototype & Cellophane

Jason Madison

I stood still as I tried to take in Darius' words. Darius didn't love me. Darius did not even like me. Darius did not see me. All he saw was Mason nothing more. I was just some sick twisted substitution of my twin brother.

Yes, maybe it was my fault. I had been the one to initiate the relationship. I had been the one to comfortably settle into Mason's roles but I expected him to eventually see me for the person I was. Not some sick twisted version of a blank canvas for him to paint my brother on. I was a different person. I wasn't Mason. I was Jason.

"Did it ever occur to you that you are hurting me too?" He said clearly not understanding my needs.

I looked at him as he looked at me with confusion and pain in his eyes clearly he didn't understand what I meant. I loved Darius. I loved Darius for so long even when he was still dating Mason. Back when Mason thought he wasn't worth the commitment. I knew even before the day Mason introduced me to Darius that I wanted him. I wanted my brother's boyfriend for so long but I never wanted him like this. I wanted him to love me the same way he loved Mason but I needed him to love me for me. Not for my identical face. Or because when I wore Mason's clothes I looked exactly like him.

"You are my all and more but I need room to breathe,"  I said looking at him with what I hoped was a pleading look. Because I needed him to understand.

"That doesn't make sense. If you want to be with me as much as I want to be with you why would we take a break." He said looking devasted. He actually looked heartbroken like he couldn't stand to be away from me for more than a few days or hours.

"I can't do this anymore Darius not with you. You don't want to be with me you want to be with my dead brother!" I said losing control. My voice cracked with unshed tears.

"I can't just forget him, Jason. We were in a serious relationship. We were engaged to be married he was my breath, my lungs and my purpose. He was my life. You should understand that."

"You were engaged to be married?" I whispered shocked at this piece of news.

"Yes. We had decided not to tell people yet. Mason was worried your parents would freak. So you understand why I can't just forget him?" He said sounding sad and slightly like he was begging.

"Yeah, mum and dad would have thought you guys were moving too fast. They still don't approve of us. But thinking back to my talk with them I get what they were trying to tell me. I don't want you to forget him, Darius. I can't forget him. He is my brother. I just need you to see me. Not see me as Mason's twin or a Mason substitute but as me my own person."

"But I see you, Jason. I am trying I really am."

"Do you?" I said ignoring the last part.

"You always take me to restaurants he loved. You always want to do the activities you both liked together. You always want to relive the memories you made with him. And that won't work with me. I am not like my brother. I don't like what he liked. I am an indoor person I have a sweet tooth and I hate pineapple on my pizza."

"But you said it was your favourite?" He said looking genuinely confused.

"No Darius I never said that. It was Mason's favourite, not mine." I said looking at the ground briefly to try and ground myself.

"Okay wait ...don't go I can fix this. I can take you to burger king or something, you love the big mac right?"

"Also not me. Do you see where the problem is? I can't live up to the perfect image of my brother that you have. I am my own person. So I need room to be me. I can't keep wearing Mason's clothes. I can't keep sleeping over on your couch unless we are intimate. I can't keep dating my brother's boyfriend. I want my own boyfriend and if that's, not you then we need to have a very serious talk."

"Wait... Jason. I hear you. I do. But what do you want from me? "

"For you to figure out what you really want then we can do this from scratch."

"I don't understand. How long is this going to go on for?" He asked pleading with his eyes.

"As long as it takes to say goodbye to Mason. You need that. We jumped into things too fast and now you can't even see the cracks in the foundation. We need to be away from each other for a short while." I said watching his face flip into myriads of expressions.

Darius moved close and placed both his hands on either side of my face. He leaned up then before he kissed me he asked " Can you kiss me? One last time.that's all I ask."

I gave him a goodbye kiss that I felt all the way to my toes.

"I really do love you." He whispered against my mouth.

"I don't think you do," I whispered back.

"But I could." He answered.

"Yes, you could. If you created room in your heart." I answered closing my eyes to catch the tears in my eyes.

"I will love you." He promised before letting me go.

I picked up my duffle and angled it onto my shoulder. This was it. I needed this. I needed time to be myself. Time to stop acting like Mason. Time to be my own person. Time for Darius to realise he wanted me not a shell of a person. Hopefully, he wouldn't see it as a time to move on to someone new. Hopefully, he would come to me. I was so hopelessly in love with him that the thought of him being with someone else made me feel like I was having a heart attack. The sharp jabs to my heart were excruciating. I mustered all my will power so I wouldn't turn to look at him. A part of me knew if I turned just to say goodbye I would never leave.

Darius needs time to be Just Darius. Not Mason's Boyfriend  Darius. We couldn't ever to be Darius and Jason if he had no room for me. I couldn't be a prototype in my own relationship. An example of the perfect candidate? I need to be the perfect candidate.

[A song for you ]