Craving Yours-A taboo love built on an unhealthy foundation.
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It's not forbidden to want your brother's boyfriend, ok maybe it's a taboo but it's not forbidden. But its not a Taboo to want your twin brother's boyfriend, ok s...
"Jason..." He looked up and a small smile appeared on the corner of his lips.
The lump that now permanently stayed just below my throat rose up. He looked so peaceful almost happy. If he smiled just a little more he would truly look like Mason. I watched the way mason's shirt seemed to fit perfectly on him. And when he lifted up his chin to sip his water his profile was that of Mason. He was a Mason at that moment and a part of me felt guilty and thrilled.
But as soon as I thought of Mason my thoughts spiralled. The guilt ate away at my stomach lining and suddenly the food was not appetising. I started thinking about what we had done in the past week. Every day like clockwork it had become a routine. Every time after the guilt would dig a deeper hole in my stomach and yet here I was. On the patio of Mason's favourite restaurant having dinner with his twin brother who had fucked me into the sheets every night this week.
I sucked in a breath trying to forget the feeling of guilt. Trying to console myself, Jason was to blame too if I thought about it. Wearing Mason's clothes and walking around doing everything that Mason did. Making breakfast. Waiting up for me after work. Cuddling up with me on the couch. He was basically turning himself into Mason. The only difference now was the hair if he cut his hair a little shorter. He could basically be Mason.
"What are we doing?" I asked looking at him as he studied my face.
He looked at me with a certain type of concentration that people only used on research. His brows wrinkled as he looked at me over his almost empty glass. He breathed in then exhaled a slow measured breath before looking back down and eating. Without saying a word.
"I don't think we should be doing this," I said looking down then looking up just to catch his facial expressions.
He didn't reply either he just continued to eat like my words were not important. He was choosing not to answer. A trait I usually liked from him since Mason always had something to say. But right now was not the time to not answer.
"What do you want from me Jason tell me because I clearly don't understand?" I said sounding like I was pleading to my own ears.
"Do you want to stop sleeping together?" He asked finally talking.
"Yes...No... It's wrong." I said trying to figure out what to say.
"Yes, it probably is." He said before continuing to eat his food like that solved everything.
"Okay look I just want to know are you just hanging around me for the sex?" I asked looking directly at his expectant brown eyes.
"That and free food. And the couch too." He said with a deadpan expression.
"What?" I whispered staring at him wondering if he was joking or not.
"Okay look, Darius. My brother just died and you are the only link I have left of him. So I want what you want to talk about my brother and make sure his memories live on. " He said setting his fork down and placing his hands under the table.
I let out a relieved sigh I hadn't realised I was holding. I opened my mouth to actually ask him if that's why he was wearing Mason's clothes but he lifted a finger to stop me.
"Besides that, I also just want to be seen ... As much as you want to belong and be special to someone. I want to be seen as Jason, not Mason's surviving twin. I want to be my own person. Even in death, I am still Mason's shadow. So yes I want to be seen as much as you want to belong."
I processed everything he had just said and only one thing stuck with me. 'I want to be seen as much as you want to belong' how did he know I wanted to belong. I didn't know if I wanted to belong. Sure I wanted to be part of a family and Mason was going to be my family but...
"How ....how do you know that?" I said confused and shocked at him knowing me that well without my permission.
"Because you are an open book when you are not paying attention to the walls you built up, Darius." He said my name with a deep affectionate drawl. "And I have ..."
He didn't finish his sentence instead he picked up his fork and continued as if nothing had happened. Sometimes I forgot how young he was because he spoke like he had seen worlds go by. Or like a wise man who has survived through fires and swam in oceans. I looked at him one last time and I caught the last faint signs of a receding blush.
Too bad too, he really would have looked like Mason if he was out here blushing in the afternoon sun and pretending nothing happened, I thought.
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